<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Pins and Needles by ArynjaT</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25233682">Pins and Needles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT'>ArynjaT</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Backstreet Boys, Popslash</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Angst, Drama, Drug Abuse, Erotica, Explicit Sexual Content, Love, M/M, Male Prostitution</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:14:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>45,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25233682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This story takes us through the years. Backstreet Boys fail to continue their success after the year 2000. A devastating lawsuit means, they loose most of the money they were supposed to have. This leads for things to go downhill for some of the former BSB. This is the tragic story of how Brian deals with this, after he grows distant from his former lover.</p><p>When they find one another again, things have changed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brian Littrell/AJ McLean, Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Frick &amp; Frack, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue: 1998 - You Are Mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The speed in which Nick closed the door to their hotel room was impressive. While it was not needed to be that quick, Brian understood perfectly well why he did it. That blonde bundle of chaos simply enjoyed to have alone time with him. The evening had been exciting as it was, but the real fun had not even started. Now that the door was closed behind them, there was nothing stopping them anymore from having a good time. And yet, Brian liked to play coy. So as the younger man approached him he grinned lightly and turned a bit away from him. It was fun to play a little and so Brian decided to talk, instead of taking action: "The show was fun today, wasn't it?", he smirked and while he was turned away from Nick and couldn't see his face, he could very much picture the confused expression he had on his face: "Yeah the show was fine, but that's not important right now Bri.", by the time Nick had finished those words Brian did notice him standing right behind him. All his senses were on high alert and his lover being this close made him feel excited. Still he wasn't ready yet to turn around and face him. "Those girls, they all were screaming for you.", Brians voice was lightly teasing and Nick huffed before responding, "Not true, they screamed for us all." - "Naw, you are their favorite Nick, they only want you. Too bad they can't have you eh?", it brought him joy to tease his lover like that. There was some truth in his words, too. While Brian by no means was unpopular, Nick had even more fans in the crowds of girls they sang for nearly every night. It was no wonder: he was the youngest in the group and the majority of their fans were teens. And yet it was a little bit ironic, that they couldn't have him. Not when Nick only belonged to him. </p><p>"Bri, that doesn't matter now!", the blonde sounded pouty and grabbed for his arm, holding it gently. Great, he had him where he wanted. Before Nick could even say a further word Brian turned around quickly and grabbed Nick on the wrist of the hand, that had just touched him. "Perhaps not! But what matters is, that they can't have you, because you are mine.", he grinned at him. Even though his lover was a head taller than him, Brian was the one who was in control. There was somewhat of a dark sparkle in his eyes as he pulled the wrist he was holding up to his lips to give it a kiss. Just one single kiss, then another smirk. "Don't think I have not noticed how you tried to provoke me all night. That's The Way I Like It eh? Thrusting your hip at me from behind when you thought the fans couldn't see it? Really, Nicky?", he still had that smirk on his lips, but his eyes betrayed his intention. A second later he grabbed for Nicks other wrist as well, now holding both of them. His lover gasped, he knew the drill. He loved it. And as a gasp full of lust escaped the blondes throat Brian used his strength to twirl him around and press him up against the wall, wrists over his head.   "Bri...", Nick whined, but it was obvious that he was enjoying himself. It was obvious through his voice and it was obvious through the fact, that his cock was getting hard. As Brian pressed up against him he could feel that against his leg. "Yes, Nick? You don't mind me holding you like that, do you?", it was a sarcastic and rhetoric question. Brian answered it himself: "Of course you don't. You like it! Like it to be my little bitch. I only needed to touch your wrist and your cock was already standing. Right now I bet all you want me to do is fuck you.", and once again he smirked blowing a little bit of his breath against Nicks neck.</p><p>Poor boy, Brian could see how Nicks knees were getting weak, feel how his body lost tension as he gave himself to his passion. There was no word. "C'mon Nick, say it!", and Brian let go of him for a second, knowing that to be the way to get Nick to speak. He knew him too well, because as soon as the wrists fell down the blonde opened his mouth lightly. At first there was silence, but then he spoke silently: "Bri.... fuck me.", and Brian smirked: "I can't hear you!", teasing him and tilting his head to the side: "Please Bri, fuck me!", Nick repeated his words this time louder. As the words reached Brians ears, his eyes sparkled again, as he raised his voice: "Good!"</p><p>And just like that Brian grabbed Nick by the waist and lifted him up lightly. As he did he noticed his own manhood stirring as well. He wanted Nick, wanted to ravage him and make him moan so badly. For that he carried him towards the bed. Of course there was only one bed in the room, why would there be more? They had always slept together, even before they became lovers and now it was even more convenient. As Brian shoved Nick down onto the bed he wasted no time to crawl over on top of him, pressing him down on his chest with one hand. For a moment he just looked down to him that smirk still playing on his lips. "I hate that you cut your hair.", he had to comment, because there was a time, where he had enjoyed grabbing his blonde locks to take control. Now he couldn't do that, so instead he put one hand on Nicks throat. He was not really squeezing it tight just holding him there, while leaning in to put a line of kisses along his jawline. One by one, each kiss more longing than the one before. And when he planted the last kiss, he bit him gently, not enough to leave any mark, but enough to make him feel it. When Nick moaned in response Brian decided to tease him a little more. While with one hand he was reaching for the lube standing on the nightstand, the other hand traveled down from Nicks neck, across his chest down to his thigh. Dexterous fingers opened Nicks zipper releasing his cock from its tight prison. It was still covered by his underwear, but Brians hand found a way inside that as well. A moment later he grabbed it firmly and started to rub it lightly. When Nick whimpered in response and squirmed just a little it only aroused Brian more. He wanted to fuck him so badly. And as he finally had grabbed the lube, he spoke with a light growl: "Turn around.", commanding him to do so. It didn't take long for it to happen, since Nick was nearly as much longing for what was about to happen as he was himself. And when the blonde was finally laying on his belly as comfy as he could with the erection he had, Brian grabbed his pants pulling them and his underwear down in one swift motion. "Damn, I can't wait to fill you up.", now it was for Brian to give a lustful hum as he used the lube to prepare Nick. This was not the first time they had done this and Brian knew exactly how he had to do it. </p><p>As soon as it was done, there was no time left to waste. All senses in his body were screaming for it and then he just did it. After freeing his own cock from his pants he just pushed up into Nick. First slowly to make the first entrance, but as soon as that was done, he didn't hold back anymore. He pushed his right hand up against Nicks head to press it against the pillow, while he fucked him hard from behind. The blonde was moaning wild and loudly, even before Bris left hand found his cock again to continue rubbing it. If anybody had known how he really was. They all said he was gentle and kind, but whenever he was in bed with Nick, he was anything but. No, Brian wasn't gentle if it came to making love. He enjoyed giving himself to pure passion, enjoyed ravaging the younger man. He just loved having control over the others body. Each thrust was able to produce a moan and it was music in his ears. And as he rubbed Nicks cock, while fucking him, those moans only grew louder. How often had they made this dance? He has stopped counting some time ago, but every single time he ravaged the blonde it felt like the best thing that ever happened to him. Those emotions, they were like tiny explosions, making his skin tingle. Making him feel butterflies in his stomach and making him nearly go crazy. Oh, how he wanted Nick. He was his, only his, nobody else was ever supposed to have him. He wouldn't allow it. Never. Nobody else was supposed to hear Nick moan like that, unable to contain his arousal. To see those blue eyes rolling back in pure lust, before he closed them. Nobody else was allowed to make him cum onto the bed-sheet. Nobody else was allowed to fill him up with cum. That was exactly what happened when they reached orgasm, in unity as it had become the norm. As Brian shot his load into the blonde, Nick shot his against the sheets and while it happened both of them couldn't contain their loudest of moans. Nicks a lot more high-pitched than Brians low growl, but both loud and echoing. So loud, that Brian was certain AJ and Kevin heard it next door. Not that he cared much. After all their band-mates had known what was going on between Frick and Frack for quite some time. They knew, and yet they had never really talked about it. Somehow he didn't believe they really approved of it. This relationship was a risk to their business, but Brian didn't care and neither did Nick. Their Love was so much more important, than what anybody thought about them.</p><p>With the orgasm reached and passed, Brian let himself drop down lightly next to Nick, who turned to lay on the side and face him. For a while he just looked into Nicks eyes, silently, allowing himself to sink deep into their sea. His Frack was so beautiful, gods best creation. After a long moment he pulled him closer into a hug, producing a smile on the younger mans face: "I love you...", the blonde said as he was close enough to nuzzle up against his neck. "And I love you. Now and forever.", Brian whispered back before putting a kiss on top of Nicks head.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 1998 - Post Surgery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today was the day. Nick was sitting on the side of the bed impatiently looking at the door. He was excited and yet nervous. Really, today was the day. The day he had spent three months waiting for. Today was the day Brian would be coming back. Those last few months and especially the weeks before that had been terrifying for Nick. He had been scared for Brians life, ever since his boyfriend had admitted to having an issue with his heart. Of course the older man had tried to calm Nick down, saying it was nothing to worry about, just a tiny little hole that needed to be fixed. But despite everything he had said Nick hadn't been able to keep his fear at bay. The simple thought, that there had been a chance for his boyfriend to die, had made him unable to sleep for days. And how angry he had been, when Brian had accepted managements demands of postponing surgery only to keep their tour and their momentum going. It had taken months and months in which Nick had been constantly nagging, for Brian to finally decide, that there could be no more postponing. In May had been his surgery. That had been three months ago. Three long months in that Nick had not seen him or heard of him. He had missed him so much, he had even called him and had sent him SMS, but there had been no response. And that silence was the source of Nicks nervousness. Why did he not respond?</p><p>Whatever would occur, today was the day, where he would find out. Everything was planned. Like the fact, that they shared their room again. It had become common practice over the last year, but still Nick had annoyed management to make absolutely certain, that Brian would be his room-mate. He needed him to be. He wanted to be the first to welcome him back. For that he had prepared something as well. He actually had baked something. For the first time in his life he had made muffins, which he had lovingly decorated with sugar hearts. They were standing on the nightstand right now, next to the candles he had lid in celebration of Brians return. The only thing that was missing now was the person that had caused him to make all this: his beloved boyfriend. </p><p>Nick wasn't sure when exactly he would come. If he was honest he had expected him to be here an hour ago, but knowing himself he probably only had been impatient. A problem that made time go a lot slower than it could. At the beginning he had tried to distract himself playing Gameboy, but he was so nervous, that he could not really concentrate on the game. So the console had been put to the side. And ever since he had been staring at the door, bumping his feet back and forth with his heels colliding against the bed-frame. He was expecting Brian to come here soon. He was expecting him and yet he hold his breath, when he actually heard sounds coming from the hallway behind the door. Finally he had arrived and a second later, the room to their hotel room opened.</p><p>There he was the love of his life. The man his heart had been longing for in those months he had not seen him. As soon as he saw Brian, dressed in a red over-sized pullover and in jeans, Nick jumped up from where he was sitting and ran over to him. When he came close enough he threw his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. "Brian.", just saying his name filled Nick with a gentle warmth, he had missed him so much. But it took only a second for him to realize something was wrong. </p><p>Here he was holding onto his boyfriend, hugging him, trying to give him love. And yet, there was no reaction. Brian just kept standing there, tense and stiff, he didn't hug him back, nor did he speak, he just stood there frozen. As Nick noticed that he made a step backwards, raising his voice as he started to examine the older man: "Everything alright?" Nothing was really, Nick could see that by the way Brian looked or rather, how he didn't look. Usually when they met, there had been that fire in his eyes, happiness and love. And now? He carefully examined him, but even though he thought he saw love, it was buried below layers and layers of sadness and there was something else. Anger perhaps or pain. He couldn't quite place it, not even as Brian spoke: "Nick, what is all this?", he gestured towards the room and Nick noticed, that his eyes focused on the plate of muffins for a second. "You playing again now? Acting as if you love me so much?", there it was Nick could hear it in Brians words: frustration. "But I do love you Brian.", he protested, hearing his lovers words put the facts into doubts. "Do you?", now he stared at him, his eyes were sparkling. Usually that meant something good, but this time, those sparkles were filled with anger. Inevitably Nick ducked his head, he had never seen his boyfriend as angry before. As Brian spoke again, the words hit him like a hammer: "If you love me so much, why did you not visit me once then? Don't lie to me. I hate being lied to."</p><p>So that was what it was about? It hurt to hear Brian say it. Still there was truth in his words. Nick had not gone to the hospital, he had been too afraid. What did you say to someone who was about to have an open heart surgery? Everything will be fine? How could he have said that, when he had been so afraid, that Brian could have died. And then there was another thing. It had been silly, but he had not wanted to see Brian weak. He had not wanted to remember him like that. If he had died, he wanted to remember him at his strongest. But hearing and seeing Brian now, he realized how wrong his decision had been. In a way Nick had abandoned him, when he needed him the most, he saw that now. How had he not seen that before? Why had he not thought about it? It must have been so lonely in hospital. How could he have turned his back on the one he loved?</p><p>Brian was still looking into his eyes, obviously trying to look for an answer to the words he had spoken. For a while he had to, cause Nick couldn't find any proper excuse for not visiting him. There was none and only as the taller blonde finally realized that he spoke: "I was afraid. I know that's no excuse, but I didn't know how to handle it." Even though his words were honest, Nick didn't feel that they were enough. Neither did Brian, who huffed, then gave a slight chuckle shaking his head. Despite that sound there was no happiness in his expression only disappointment and sadness. Then he spoke: "Didn't know how to handle it? You know. I needed you. This one time... this one single time I needed you and you were not there." Those words hurt, they made Nick feel guilty, made his stomach turn, but Brian wasn't even done speaking: "Did you know, that the doctors found another hole? It could have killed me, it really could have. I could have died, without seeing the person I love one last time. Because yes Nick I do love you. I still do. But you hurt me. You hurt me so much." And then he cried. Just like that tears started to take shape in the corner of his eyes only to run down his face. Brian cried. He never ever had believed to see that happening, not in front of him. And before Nick realized it, he was crying as well, triggered by the words and triggered by his lovers emotions. What could he do? There were no words that could make it right.</p><p>Once again he felt helpless, but as he did, he realized how much more helpless his love must have felt in hospital. So he stepped up closer to him again. That was the only way he knew how to act. He had to hug him, hold him close, perhaps he could make him feel better just a little. And as he put his arms around the smaller man, this time Brian actually leaned into it. This was the first time he ever had done that, to be the one to be hold and not the one that was holding. In that moment Nick for the first time saw, that Brian was not strong all the time. For the first time he realized, that there were things, that could even hurt him. In that moment the tall blonde realized, just how much Brian needed him as well and all of a sudden he felt protective of him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I really am. I swear I will never abandon you again. I won't." and he leaned back a little to try and look into Brians eyes. As he caught them, he still looked sad: "I... hope you keep your promise.", well if Bri spoke about hope things were not totally lost. That was enough to make Nick smile again.</p><p>"Now please stop crying... you can't cry before trying my muffins.... In fact I hope you don't cry after either. I made them for you.", he tried to cheer him up by changing the topic, as he took him by the hand and pulled him along towards the nightstand. "See I even put tiny hearts on them.", Nick said and took one of the small cakes and hold it out to Brian. When he took it he smiled, even though it was a pressed smile. Still it was something. It was much nicer to see his lover happy, than sad. He loved the way he lightly closed his eyes when he gave his widest of smiles and he loved the lines it drew on his face. Right now he was far away from that kind of smile, but he still hoped to see it again soon. Brian had the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, he couldn't stand the idea of loosing it. "Are you sure I can eat it without needing to fear to go to the hospital again?", now it seemed like he was already joking again. Where things forgotten now? For some reason Nick didn't think so. Despite the joke and the portrayed happiness that followed something in the hospital had changed Brian. He couldn't put his finger on what it was, but something was lingering inside of his boyfriend. He had to hold back on frowning as he realized that. Right now, they had to at least try to be happy.  "No poison in my muffins! Go on try them!", and he took Brian by the hand holding the sweet to bring it up to his lips. </p><p>When he bit into it he looked skeptical, but after a moment his expression got softer: "Alright Nicky, you'll become a proper housewife some day after all. Now the next time I want some coffee with it.", with those words Brian smirked quite confidently. Perhaps everything was going to be fine after all. Perhaps he had been wrong about that change he had seen before? He was not and he soon realized that as Brians smile faded again and he sighed. It was an obvious and sudden change and then his boyfriend walked over to put the muffin down again. "Nick, this doesn't feel right!", with those words spoken he turned back to face him. "I appreciate you making this and all. But... it...", he sighed, "I can't just act, as if nothing has happened. I can't play happy family with you, now."</p><p>And as he walked back over to the bags he had left standing by the door, Nick knew what he was trying to say. "I need time. I'm gonna get me my own room.", and once again Brians words were painful for Nick. He wanted to leave him alone? Get his own room? What did that mean for them? "Brian... please...", Nick called to him. This couldn't be. But Brian didn't respond, he opened the door and was about to leave. "Please Brian. I love you, this can't be the end. Please stay.", he was downright begging him now, stumbling over his words, but still there was no response. When Brian left through the door and closed it behind him Nick felt a sharp pain in his heart. Was that how it felt when it broke in two? This couldn't be the end and yet it felt so very much like it. How had it ended this way? It felt so hard to understand it and yet the longer he thought about it, the more he thought it was his fault. If he had not been such a coward, if he had just visited Brian once. Now it was to late, he had lost the only person that had ever truly cared for him. The only person, that had ever truly made him happy. </p><p>As the realization hit, Nick couldn't hold back anymore and he sunk down onto his knees right where he had been standing. There he just gave himself to tears, crying and sobbing uncontrollably.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 1998 – Post Surgery II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have to thank Pocket_Owl with helping me out when I was stuck with this story and also by helping me find the right kind of words in some of those sentences.</p><p>btw. If any of you guys are Brian Fans, I want to invite you to join the Brian Fan Forum here: https://brian-fans.forumieren.de/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Routine. It felt oddly easy to settle back into it. His surgery had not been so long ago, four months was not a lot, but Brian had rarely any time to dwell. Being in a boyband meant having a strict and demanding schedule. When they weren't performing in concerts, they were giving interviews. When they weren't giving interviews, they were practicing. When they weren't practicing, they were writing and recording new songs. There was no time to be sick for long. It had been a bit of a wonder, that he had been allowed to take a break for surgery at all. They would not have had him get it, had it not been for his stubbornness. Of course nobody had known, how severe his issue really had been. Just a tiny hole, that was what they had thought. Still he had been worried about it. Having any heart surgery always meant a risk and then things had turned out to be worse than expected. At the hospital the doctors had found a second hole much larger than the first. One that really had been life threatening. How could he have known? If he would have, he never would have agreed on postponing surgery for so long. Luckily he had finally decided to put his foot down, no small thanks to Nick, who had been constantly nagging with him. </p><p>Nick. There was his other problem. His boyfriend or perhaps ex-boyfriend. He actually wasn't sure. Brian had not really ended things with him, he just had said he needed time. But maybe saying that he needed time meant that things were over? He didn't want them to be over. And yet, he felt hurt. Hurt that Nick had not been there, when he had needed him the most. He had always thought, that their love was special, that their bond was unbreakable. But the one time, when he had needed him, he had not been there. Ever since then doubts had started to cloud his mind. </p><p>Did Nick really care for him as he said? Why then had he not come? </p><p>When he had confronted his lover about it, Nick had tried to give him an explanation. It had been obvious, that he regretted his decision to stay away, but still it felt so hard to forget having been abandoned like that. He had felt so alone. Nobody had been there to care for him. Nobody to talk to.  There had been all those worries clouding his mind, that he would have loved to talk about. The risk of dying had really scared him. It had been so hard to bear. If only he could have spoken to someone he trusted, someone that could have taken away his fears. But nobody had cared. Kevin had been the only one to come, but only after surgery. And then as he had entered the room, he had just been standing there awkwardly in silence for a while. Not that it got any better when he finally spoke, because all he asked was, when Brian would come back to continue the tour. That had hurt. No question, how he was doing. No words of comfort. Just business talk. Was that all that mattered now? Was that all he was? A singer in their band? Someone they needed to stay successful? Did they just care for his voice and not for him or his well-being? And while the words had still been lingering in his mind, Brian had felt the anger rise. Had he not still been attached to an IV bag, he probably would have jumped up. Instead he shouted, he shouted as loud as he possibly could, telling Kevin to leave. His cousin had tried to protest, but Brian had not allowed it. All the words his cousin tried to speak were drowned by his shouting and he didn't stop it until Kev had left the room. But the pain his words had caused stayed and had not left him since. </p><p>Now he was back with the group, but it was hard to just forget all those hurt feelings. Worst of all, was that everybody tried to act, as if nothing had happened. As if he had not been to the hospital at all. Of course Howie, AJ and Kev had welcomed him back, they had even said how glad they were to see him again, but seconds later, they had already been talking about their next concert. Brian had played along, had tried to ignore how weird it felt to just act as if nothing had happened. With those three, he could do that. Even though it hurt and even though he still was angry with them, he could pretend he wasn't. With Nick it was different, because he loved him too much. He still did, but at the same time he feared, that Nick didn't feel the same way. Him not showing up in the hospital had evoked so many doubts in him. Brian simply could not look at Nick anymore without thinking about that. And that was the reason, why Nick was different. With him it was impossible to pretend, that everything was fine.</p><p>The sudden sound of footsteps approaching pulled Brian away from his thoughts. He was not happy to hear them, for he had chosen this spot, because it was so secluded. After all the couch here in the back was usually the least frequented spot on their tour bus. Here he had hoped to be left alone to stare at passing cars and to make up his mind about all those things that had happened. And now somebody was walking towards him.</p><p>As Brian pulled his eyes away from the window, he noticed AJ approaching him. Great. Just what he had needed. Alex loved to talk. A lot. Brian was not really in the mood for that. And he made sure, that AJ noticed that as well: "Anything I can do for you?", he muttered more than actually speaking up, focusing his eyes sharply on the younger man. Brian was truly pissed at AJ, not only for abandoning him just like the rest of the group, but also because over the last weeks he had spent so much time with Nick. Ever since Brian and him had parted ways, his young blonde love seemingly had tried to find comfort with Alex. That it was now somebody else, that his lover had decided to hang out with left Brian burning with jealousy. He tried to hide that emotion, but he wasn't really good at it. "Shouldn't you be playing Nintendo with Nick?", it didn't help, that he couldn't hold back on asking questions like that. AJ rolled his eyes: "Rok, you try playing with someone so full of frustration.", he huffed and Brian narrowed his eyes lightly, before his younger band-mate continued to speak: "And that's exactly why I am here. I'm sick of it. Ever since you and Nick had that argument he keeps crying all the time. Even worse are his bursts of anger. Nearly destroyed the TV just now, just cause the game didn't go his way."</p><p>Brian listened, but he didn't move from his spot, not giving Alex any room to sit down. "And what am I supposed to do about that?", dismissiveness was very audible in his voice. Of course it didn't make him happy, that Nick was sad, but what did AJ expect?</p><p>"I dunno, perhaps talk to him and make up? I know you still love him Rok. A blind man could see that. All those jealous looks you throw me, that has to end!", and AJ paused only to step closer and slam his palm down on the sideboard next to Brians face. For a second Brian flinched, then he felt his anger rising. Why was AJ provoking him? Did he want to start a fight? He wouldn't allow him to get him there that easily. So he just took a deep breath, looking back up to AJ, who finally continued to speak: "It just can't go on like this, we have to work together as a group. Yeah Nick didn't visit you in hospital, big deal. He didn't know how to handle it. For fucks sake, Brian. Kid just turned eighteen. So stop being such a prick!"</p><p>Brian breathed in sharply. What had he just said? A prick? With a quick motion Brian rose from where he was sitting and gave AJ a shove, making the dark-haired man stumble backwards. The push had been strong enough, that Alex would have fallen to the ground, had his back not collided with a wall. The younger man gasped, obviously shocked by Brians reaction. He wanted to say something, but Brian did not let him. Now it was his turn: "You calling me a prick AJ, really? Has just anyone of you ever thought about how I felt? Nick, Howie, you. None of you came to visit me in hospital. You weren't there when I was at my worst!", it finally just needed to be said. He couldn't hold it back any longer. So many months of disappointment finally needed to be addressed. And Brian wasn't done yet: "Of course, when all was over Kevin came. My own cousin. My blood. I thought for a second, that he cared. But he didn't ask how I felt or if I was okay. He only asked when I could continue the tour. Is that really all you guys care about? I could have died and all you were interested in was continuing the business?", a frustrated growl escaped Brians throat, when he was done with the tirade and AJ seemed to be at a loss of words. When he finally found them again and opened his mouth to speak, Brian stared him down and started shouting again: "Don't! I don't want to hear any word from you!", that said he brushed past his perplexed band-mate towards the front of the vehicle. He didn't actually think, he just wanted to get away from AJ.</p><p>In his anger he was dashing quite a bit. A mistake. It was not like he could have expected it. How should he have known that Nick had been eavesdropping? He couldn't have, but he found out as soon as he pushed through the door leading to the other half of the bus. When he pushed it open he heard a gasp and a second later he saw Nick dropping towards the floor. Silence. That was not what he had wanted to do. He had to help him. With quick reflexes, he sprinted forward and grabbed for Nicks upper arm to stop his fall. "Careful!", Brian called out, his worries obvious both in his expression and in his voice. Luckily he had been fast enough and as he got a hold of Nicks arm he pulled him towards himself. As this caused Nick to stumble up against his chest, Brian breathed in deeply. "Brian.", Nick said his name in surprise, causing him to roll his eyes. With him eavesdropping like that, he should have known he was coming. Why was he always so careless? Why did he never look out for himself? He already felt frustration rising and wanted to scold the younger man for it, but he closed his mouth again, when he noticed something. Those blue eyes he loved so much, those opals, they were surrounded by redness. Nick had been crying and suddenly he felt guilty. As much as he was pissed at AJ, he had been right with one thing. Nick was so young, just eighteen. Perhaps his expectations had been too high. It must have been hard for him, knowing that he was in hospital. Surely he had been worried about the possibility of Brian not surviving. Suddenly he felt a lot more forgiving towards that blonde ball of chaos. He hated to see Nick that full of sorrows and so the decision was made. Once again he pulled at Nicks arm, but this time more gentle, just enough to pull him up against his chest. When their bodies touched Brian looked into his eyes silently, just observing for a moment, that seemed like eternity: "It's okay.", two simple words escaped Brians mouth, but they were enough to portray what he was feeling. With them spoken he pulled Nick into a tight hug, putting his chin on top of the blonde kids shoulder. </p><p>Nick for a moment seemed tense, but it didn't take long until he started to relax. He didn't say a word, obviously trying to find out what he could say. it was difficult after such a long time of avoiding one another and Brian could understand that. So he spoke instead: "Stop being sad, okay? I forgive you. I was too hard on you.", he pulled a little bit backwards to look back up at Nick. He seemed to be confused, by his sudden change of mind. Brian sighed, then tiptoed up to put a kiss on Nicks cheek. As he did he could feel the eyes of several people who sat even further in the front of the bus, resting upon him. Not that he cared. Finally Nick spoke: "No, no you were not. I left you alone, when you needed me.", as their eyes met, Brian could see all the regrets, both of them felt. And thus he sighed another time. "It's okay Nick, really. I realized that, if you had not cared about me, you wouldn't have nagged so much to make me get surgery.", and he gently brought one hand up to remove a wild strand of hair from Nicks face. "Really everything is fine.", he paused for a moment, then put on a gentle smile: "I also miss you terribly. Can't even sleep properly without you.", he smirked and to his delight noticed, that Nicks expression grew softer as well. It took a moment, but then Nick carefully smiled back and spoke: "I miss you more Frick. You can't even imagine how much." But he could. With every fiber of his body he did. Never before had he missed someone as much as he had missed Nick and he had not even known that until now. Now, that he was finally holding onto him again, he felt the speed of his heartbeat increase, felt euphoria and happiness about being able to look into his eyes and felt as if he was finally complete again. </p><p>"So... are we together again?", Nicks innocent question pulled him from his thoughts and made him chuckle a little. The way he had asked it: his head half facing the ground, his voice so unsure, it was cute. "Nick, we were never truly separated. How could we be? I love you so much. I couldn't be without you.", and his blonde angel smiled back to him, "I love you too." And with those words spoken they leaned up against each other again to share the sweetest of kisses. Brian took his time to savor it, taking the control in their passion. Had it not been for all the other people in the bus, he probably would have done more too. But like this he just parted from the kiss and the embrace slowly. Not willing to let Nick go completely, he put his hands down on his lovers waist, just holding onto him, just taking his time to look into those eyes. Sunken so deeply into them, he didn't notice how AJ came from the back room. Didn't notice how he walked past him. He didn't care either, not for Alex, not for the people sitting all the way in the front. He was angry with them still and all that counted now was Nick. All that counted now were the two of them: Frick and Frack.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Late 1998 - The Lawsuit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>How could they have lost it? This was so wrong. This couldn't be justice, it was not just to them. Lou had betrayed them. It had been about a year ago, when Brian found out. It was not really hard to do so either. With them selling out arenas and selling millions of records it just didn't add up. How could they be that successful, but at the same time still have problems paying off their cars? They were Grade-A-celebrities but they hardly made any money. Money. It wasn't the reason Brian did his job, but still it was not right to be underpaid. Here they were working their asses off, not getting paid what they deserved, while their managers, Lou in particular were sitting in their offices getting rich. That wasn't justice. When he found out, he had given Pearlman plenty of chances to change. He had pleaded with him, even begged to make things right. Alas he had not. </p><p>What other choice did he have then? If he wanted to make things right himself, all he could do was to sue the man. It hurt, because Pearlman had acted like a father figure to all of them ever since he had founded the group. But after Lou made zero effort to make things right Brian had filed an open lawsuit. He wasn't happy about it, neither was the group. When Brian had told them, Kevin and Howie had accused him of being egoistic. Said that his actions were gonna break up the group. Brian had stood his ground. Their accusations had been wrong, that was not his goal. He was doing it for them just as much as for himself. They had argued about it, long hours that he didn't like to remember, but in the end he had been able to convince them. When his band-mates joined his lawsuit earlier in 1998, he had been so sure that nothing could go wrong anymore. But now it did.</p><p>All of the colour had left his face, when he had first read the letter earlier. 'Not guilty', those two words had burned themselves into his mind. How could anyone declare Lou Pearlman as not guilty? He was guilty, he had been using them to become rich, while they did all the hard work. How could anybody have not seen that? After he had read the letter, Brian had needed to sit down for a while. When he realized what this all meant for them, he felt overwhelmed. Not only would they never get the millions of dollars, he owed them. No it also meant, that Lou now had the right to do with their brand, whatever he wanted.  He owned the name 'Backstreet Boys', he owned the equipment they used on tour, he owned the music they made, everything. Lou had threatened before, that he could end their career, just like he started it and Brian had no doubt, that he would now attempt to do exactly that.</p><p>-</p><p>A few days later Brians fears became reality. They were on their first tour in the US. After so many years of hard work, they finally were being played on radio in their home country. 'Quit Playing Games' had hit the number 1 spot in the US billboard charts. Finally they should have been able to break in the country they grew up in. But now that Lou had won the lawsuit all that was in jeopardy. Worse even, as Brian realized that morning, Pearlman had already started to make their life difficult. </p><p>"What do you mean, he took our stuff?", Brian looked shocked, when Kevin came into his hotel room to explain what just had happened. A huge truck had come to their concert venue and had gathered all their equipment. The microphones, the stage decoration, their stage outfits, everything. He didn't want to believe it, but Kevins words were pretty clear as he raised his voice again: "Yes, they took our stuff Brian. All of it. Lou did that. And you know why!" His cousin seemed pretty agitated, but what shocked Brian more, was the fact that he was directing that anger at him, staring him down. "You just had to do it again, right? Couldn't just stay silent? You had to make problems, like you always do.", the taller man came closer to Brian and pointed his finger at him in a manner of rage. Brian gasped: "What are you saying, Kev? You're not blaming me for it, are you? I only did what was right for the group!", he tried to defend himself, but his cousin only narrowed his eyebrows: "And what gives you the idea, that you can decide what's right for the group? How presumptuous can one single man be?", Kevin paused for a moment to let out a frustrated growl, but then he spoke on, "You're a fucking egoist, you always have been. It's all your fault. Had you not filed that lawsuit, we wouldn't be having those problems now. I told you then. Shouldn't have let you convince me. God, how could I be this stupid?" Those words hurt, did Kevin really think like that about him? An egoist? Did he really think, he only cared about himself? He had done it for them, too. He wanted justice for all of them. And yet in a way his cousin was right, it was his fault. Had he not filed the lawsuit, they wouldn't have lost it. Then Lou would not have been able to take their equipment. Brian ducked lightly, before Kevin continued to speak again: "Now you are silent, eh?  Wow, that I see that day. The day where Brian Littrell for once keeps his mouth shut. It's too late now though. You already have done the damage Bri. It is only thanks to you. You destroyed our band." His cousins face was painted with anger as he shot those words at him. While he did he pushed his index finger onto his chest, pressing it in there, not far above where the scar from his surgery was. </p><p>Brian was at a loss of words. The amount of anger and hate spilling out of Kevins eyes cut deep. He first could feel it in his stomach, but the anguish soon traveled up to his throat, where it stayed in a lump. Tears were gathering in his eyes as well, but Brian was too proud to let them fall. So he closed his eyes for a moment and gulped down his sadness. It hurt so much to loose a friend like that and Brian had no doubt that this was exactly what was happening, but he couldn't allow himself to cry. It was hard though. When he opened his eyes Kevin was still staring at him, he hadn't moved a single bit. Brian finally spoke: "I did nothing of the sort Kev. Lou destroyed Backstreet Boys, not me. Can't you see what is happening? He's accomplishing his goal in tearing us..." - "Oh, shut it Brian. Just shut it! Lou build us up, it's only fair he got some of our money. Even the court said so. That's just how the business works. You should have known so too.", Kevin interrupted him, but let the finger that was still digging into Brians chest fall. "Perhaps it would have been better if you died in hospital.", that struck hard. With those words spoken it felt as if Kevin was slamming a knife right into his chest. Even worse, he twisted that knife and pressed onto it. This was too much. The cruelty and coldness of that statement was painful and he simply couldn't hold back on the tears any longer. </p><p>Not that Kevin noticed his sobbing. After speaking those words he had turned around to step away. As he left the room he slammed the door behind himself, leaving Brian standing alone, wondering. Had this room always been this cold? Had it always been this dark? He gasped for air, as he felt his throat tightening. It was as if someone was pulling a rope close around his neck. He couldn't breath. The world started spinning and he couldn't breath. In panic Brian brought his hand up to his throat, but it didn't help. It still felt, that no matter how strongly he gasped none of the oxygen made its way to his lungs. What was happening?</p><p>- </p><p>Nick was frustrated. This night should have been amazing. Their first real concert in Florida. The first time he could have performed all their new songs in front of an audience not only from his home country, but also from his home state. And now he couldn't. With their equipment gone like that, there was simply no way, they could perform in a huge arena. Sure, they could have done A Cappella songs. However nobody but the front row would have been able to hear them like that.  It sucked. Nick was pissed at those men taking their stuff away, but he was even more pissed about Lou. How could he have done that to them? Had he not always said they were family? Who did something like that to their own family? So what was supposed to be the best day ever, had pretty quickly turned into a disaster. Everybody was angry. When they became aware of what was happening all of them had reacted differently. AJ in his rage had attempted to destroy, whatever piece of equipment he could get a hand on. Only Kevins quick reaction had stopped that from happening. Not, that Kevin was any less angry. He had hold firmly onto AJ, but Nick had seen the anger, that was flaring in his eyes. Howie on the other hand, had seemed devastated and silent. Of all of them, he had been the one whose shock had been the most obvious. Nick had been looking for Brian, but he had been the only one who had not arrived yet. Still Nick knew how much all of this would hurt his Frick, when he would tell him.</p><p>For a while they had stayed at the concert venue, debating what they could do. And when Kevin had left, Nick had thought he went to speak with whoever was in charge of taking away their stuff. Had he known what his actual goal was, he would have stopped him. But he did not. So he stayed with Howie and AJ for a while, as they stared at the crew, that was gathering their equipment. </p><p>After a while he had not been able to watch it any longer. It was not like there was anything they could have done. When he had realized, that their show wouldn't be happening, Nick headed back to the hotel and back to the room he was sharing with Brian. "You won't believe what that asshole did!", Nick spoke while he pushed through the door unaware of what was waiting on the other side. </p><p>Then he froze.</p><p>As he opened the door he right away noticed something was off. He could hear it: frantic gasps for air mixed with whimpering. A second later he saw where that sound came from. His Frick was kneeling on the floor holding his throat. He was having a panic attack. As soon as Nick realized that he hurried over to the man he loved and pulled him up against his chest. "Babe, you have to calm down.", he told him trying to sound as soothing as possible. That was a hard thing to accomplish, when his boyfriend was in a state like that. Nick was worried and it didn't help, that Brian was looking up into his eyes now. Those blues, they were full of desperation but also sadness.  He had cried. What had happened? Why was he so sad? There was no time to think about it long, because Brian was still hyperventilating: "Shhhh... try to breath calmly.", and he put the flat palm of his right hand onto Brians chest, trying to apply pressure to help him breath out and releasing that pressure to help him breath in. It was not like Nick knew what he was doing, he was just acting out of instinct. Surprisingly it seemed to work. It took some time, but after a while Brians breathing calmed down a lot. "That's right, just like that.", Nick affirmed him and gave him a smile. A second later the tension fell off of Brians body and he allowed his weight to drop against Nicks chest fully. He was exhausted and his eyes fell close. </p><p>What had happened to put him in this state? Nick gently let his fingers trail through the curls of Brians hair as he wondered about that question. Not willing to ask it yet he placed a single kiss behind his lovers earlobe. It was a loving gesture, he had done many times before, but this time it caused Brian to tense up. Something was not right. "You don't hate me?", when Brian asked that question, Nick only got more confused. "Why would I hate you? I love you stupid.", gently he wiped a few tears away from Brians cheek. He hated to see him crying. But what bothered him even more was, that he really didn't know what Frick was talking about. How could anybody hate him?  "Because... I destroyed the band...", Brian answered with a small voice. So small, that he barely even heard it. "What? Don't say stuff like that, babe. That's bullshit!", he protested shaking his head firmly and pulling him a bit tighter up against him. Where did that thought come from? "Kev... thinks I did... He... he told me.", those words cause his lover to sob again, creating more tears. So Kevin went here? Nick gasped. How could he say things like that to Brian? "Kevin was just angry, he didn't mean it.", Nick spoke, deeming this to be the only reason Kev would say something like that. "No, he meant it Nick. You should have seen his eyes. And he...", Brian stopped in his words for a moment, seemingly unsure. "What, babe? What did he do?", Nick needed to know and he tried to turn Brian around lightly, so he could look at his face. Usually he enjoyed that a lot too, but right now, the eyes that met his were so full of sadness, that his heart started to ache. "He said that it would have been better if I died in hospital.", Brian spoke with an unsettling calmness. His voice was devoid of any emotion and sounded so empty. It was obvious how hurt his Frick was by Kevins words and he couldn't really blame him. Nick himself felt pretty shocked at the words the oldest in their group had decided to throw at his own cousin. It made him angry to think about it. How could he have been so hateful? "Fuck him...", Nick muttered, the words escaping his mouth before he could think about it. He hated Kevin right now for saying what he had, "Fuck him, Brian! Who is he to say things like that? Does he even know you?", his voice got louder the more he spoke, "You are the kindest most caring person I know. You didn't destroy the band, Lou did. And the rest Kev said to you. I say it again: Fuck him!", Nick huffed, "I hate that you had to hear something like that! What an asshole, man.", he shook his head then let go of Brian only to move, so he could kneel down in front of him. "Forget that stuff he said. Please.", and he looked deeply into Brians eyes, trying to drive his point home. "I love you, okay?"</p><p>-</p><p>Brian didn't know what to think. The words Kevin had spoken were still ringing in his ear. Even though Nick wanted him to forget about them, he couldn't do that so easily. Kev was his cousin, he used to have his back all throughout his life. To hear him speak the words he had spoken earlier, made Brian feel as if a part of him was dying. He had lost someone today, someone that was important to him. While Nick tried the best to cheer him up, he couldn't manage to make him forget. All he could do was to distract him from the sadness. After his boyfriend had said those three words Brian felt his cheeks being cupped on both sides by Nicks hands. He was holding onto him and leaned closer to put a gentle kiss onto his cheek. It was still wet from when the tears had fallen moments ago. "I love you forever and ever. Don't cry anymore, okay?, Nicks words were so soft, his touch so gentle. For a moment Brian gave himself to that feeling of closeness. His heart was beating all the way up to this throat. Perhaps Nick couldn't fix things with Kevin, but he still made him feel better. Brian gasped lightly as he tried to hold back his tears in order to meet Nicks request. How could he deny him? His heart didn't have the capability to deny Nick anything. Too strong was the love they shared. "You are beautiful!", he had to state the obvious cause it was a thought so big, he couldn't keep it inside. And Nick really was what he said. His pale skin, those red lips, the blue eyes and the golden strands of hair he loved so much. And how cute he looked when he blushed lightly at the compliment. Nick had always been so shy. In moments like this Brian became aware, that his boyfriend was truly the youngest of the group. It made him want to protect him, take him in his arms and never let him go. Hug him tightly, kiss him, touch him. Oh how badly he wanted to touch him. And then he just did, pressing one hand against the back of Nicks head, pulling him closer. A moment later their lips touched and Brian closed his eyes. He was loosing himself to Nick, whose love was finally able to push his worries away. They probably would be back sooner or later, but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered now was the moment he shared with his Frack. Soon their tongues met and started to dance to the melody of passion. Brian savored every moment of it as he trailed the hand from Nicks head down to the small curve on his back, pulling him up against his body. When this lead to his boyfriend releasing a moan, Brian couldn't help but smile into the kiss. A moment later he pulled away from it. He wanted to look at his lover, his beautiful angel. Soon he met Nicks gaze, looking at him with eyes full of love.</p><p>And as their eyes met Brian realized, that as long as Nick was by his side, he would survive everything.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 1999 - NSync</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was surprising how much could change in half a year. Six months ago Brian had still been member of the Backstreet Boys, now things were different. After winning the lawsuit Lou had done everything in his power to make sure they paid for ever bringing charges up against him. First he had taken their equipment, then he had taken their name. They were simply not allowed to perform as the 'Backstreet Boys' anymore and everything they ever produced under that name was property of Lou. That meant that the amount of money they got from their old albums was minimal. And they were not even allowed to produce new albums. At least not as the 'Backstreet Boys'. They certainly could have chosen another band name to produce new songs, but all the things that happened had put a strain on their relationship. Brian felt as if he was in the center of it all. He had not spoken to Kevin for months and the last talk he did have with Howie had ended in an argument. Both of his former older band-mates blamed him for everything that happened. On the other side of the argument were AJ and Nick, who had his back. Brian was glad, that at least those two saw, that the only person to blame in this was Pearlman. After all it had been Lou, who had used them and it had just not felt right to continue working their asses off while not getting paid properly. True, they now were in an even worse position, but that was nothing that Brian could have expected to happen. He still thought the verdict had been false, but it had been a final decision.</p><p>Ever since then his life had changed so much. Without touring and interviews everything had slowed down to nearly a snails pace. Where his time schedule had once been demanding, he now found himself bored more often than not. It was just hard to get used to a normal life again. After basically loosing his job, Brian had moved into a smaller place somewhere close to Downtown LA. It was the wisest thing to do, because he was aware that the money he had left wouldn't last forever. Of course his parents had offered him to come back to them, but that was out of question. He felt much too old for that. Moreover Kentucky was not where he wanted to be anymore. It was not like he hated the place, but his boyfriend was living in Los Angeles. They wanted to move together. The flat Brian had gotten was supposed to be their future home. He had to smile when he thought about it. Living under the same roof still seemed like a distant dream, but the day Nick would move in was close. He could hardly wait for it to come. Over the last few weeks they had spent a lot of time together. Many of those days when Nick came to visit, he had also stayed for the night. Still if he finally moved in, he never would need to leave again and that was a thought that excited Brian. It was the one thing that made him hope for a better future. Sadly that was also the only thing.</p><p>While living with his boyfriend seemed like a dream that would soon come true, his current life was anything but dream-like. With 'Backstreet Boys' being a thing of a past Brian was without a job. He didn't even know what to do yet. Of course continuing to make music was the most logical plan, but he had not decided yet if he should do so together with AJ and Nick or as a solo artist. They had talked about it. Continuing as a group certainly was the preferred choice, but with Kevin and Howie being mad with Brian, they were only three guys left. They had debated to find two other members, but that just wouldn't be right. As much as Kevin and Howie had been in the background in their songs, they still needed them for the distinct sound they had. He hated to admit that, because it meant that if they wanted to continue as a group, Brian had to talk to their older companions. A few weeks ago he had tried to talk to Howie, but he had told him to never speak to him again. He was pissed at him, thought he ended it for them all. Just the same as Kevin, who Brian had avoided. While things with Howie were difficult, things with Kevin were nearly impossible. The words he had spoken to him had been so hurtful. Their friendship was over and he didn't even want to call Kev family anymore. Neither of them had made any attempt to reach out to the other yet and he didn't expect that to change soon. So continuing as a group was more than difficult and as they had realized that, they thought about solo-projects. AJ had been the one to bring it up and in the beginning it had felt strange to speak about it at all. Still they talked, since they wanted to make sure none of the others was upset, if they went solo. They didn't want to become enemies just because of the career path they decided to take. Luckily they all agreed, that going solo didn't mean betraying the others. Right now it pretty much seemed like it was the only way to continue being successful.</p><p>From that day on they all had begun working on their solo careers. Especially Nick seemed to be excited at that prospect. Over the weeks he had shown several songs to Brian and asked for his opinion. He liked them, their sound was quite different from their pop songs. His boyfriend had chosen to try and release a grunge album in the spirit of Nirvana. It was shocking how well Nicks voice suited that kind of music and Brian had no doubts, that he would make it big as soon as his album hit the market. Today was another one of those days, where Nick had promised to play him new songs and Brian couldn't wait. He loved it when Nick sang to him, no matter what music and it made him feel warm inside to know that he was the first persons to hear his new songs. He wasn't here yet, but he wanted to drop by today. They wanted to spend the night together again. A content sigh escaped his throat as he was tidying up the bed. For a second he wondered, why he even did it, since it certainly wouldn't stay as tidy as soon as the night arrived. Not with the things Nick and him tended to do. But it was just nicer to crawl into a nicely made bed, then into one that still showed signs that someone slept in it the night before. He was just working on the pillows, when he heard his mobile phone ring.</p><p>With a quick motion he let go of the cushions and grabbed for his phone instead. 'AJ' he could see on the display before he took the call: "Hey Aje!", he spoke unable to hide his good mood, "Rok, sit down!", AJ on the other hand didn't sound happy at all. The way he was telling him to have a seat was quite worrying. "What is it Alex?", he didn't sit down yet though, he didn't like to be ordered around. "It's Nick!", now AJs words were really making him gasp. What was up with Nick? What terrible thing could have happened? Was he sick? Did he get hurt? As all kinds of worrying pictures found their way into Brians mind, he decided to sit down after all, taking a seat on a couch located on the other side of the room. "You're scaring me Alex. What's the matter? Please tell me Nick is alright.", Brian pressed the phone a bit closer to his ear as he spoke, not on purpose but because his body tensed up. "Sure he is fine. More than fine, Bri. But you will not like what I'm going to tell you. He betrayed us.", it was odd that despite AJs words Brian felt somewhat relieved. Nick wasn't hurt, that was at least something, but what did he mean: betrayed them? After a moment of silence his younger friend spoke on: "Nick joined NSync... can you believe that? NSync. Timberlake wanted to leave or something and now..."- "You can't be serious Aje, quit playing with me.", he had to interject. That was unbelievable, his boyfriend wanted to go solo not join a band that used to be their rival and was managed by the same guy that destroyed them. "It's true Rok, he told me. Nick's taking Justins spot!", despite AJs words Brian still couldn't believe it. "No you're lying. Good one, you got me. Quit playing now, please.", he was aware how desperate he sounded, but he didn't like that joke AJ was playing on him. "Dude, I'm not joking. I'm serious I swear on my mothers life. Nick betrayed us.", those words made him gasp. Swearing on the life of his mother was something Alex wouldn't do lightly, but still it felt so hard to believe him. How could Nick betray them like that? The news had to be wrong, but AJ had said he heard it from Nick himself. His Nick, his beautiful, loving boyfriend. It simply could not be true. He didn't want to believe it. "No.", but even though that word escaped his throat part of him knew AJ wasn't lying. The stinging pain he felt in his stomach was telling him it was true. "I'm sorry Bri, I know you love him. If you need someone to talk, I can be over in fifteen minutes." Brian shook his head "Aje... thank you, but... I need to be alone.", he couldn't have AJ come, when he expected Nick to appear any second. He had to talk to him about this. "I... I call you..", Brian added and ended the call as quick as he could, before the tears that had gathered in his eyes started to fall.</p><p>-</p><p>Nick dreaded the moment that was approaching very quickly. He had to talk to Brian. Tell him, that he had decided to replace Timberlake in their former rival band. Thinking about telling his boyfriend made his stomach turn. Nick knew, that it wouldn't be easy. Not only did he join their rivals, he also went back to a band managed by Lou Pearlman. It had not been an easy decision, he hated that guy with all his heart, but he felt it was the best he could do. Nick had always wanted to support his family. He didn't like to remember his childhood, but it hadn't been good. His siblings were supposed to have a better life without worrying about money. All he wanted was to provide for them. While he possibly could have done so with a solo career as well, he wasn't so certain, that he would become successful. With NSync however success seemed to be guaranteed. They already had  started to branch out into the US and the american teens seemed to enjoy their music. Still he had hesitated. When Lou had called him, Nick had shouted at him. What gave him the idea to contact him after all he did to him and his friends? But after shouting so long, that he nearly lost his voice Lou had made that offer and Nick had fallen silent. That bastard, he had him caught like a fish from the sea. Nick was very much aware, that Pearlman knew what he was doing. He knew, that he wouldn't be able to deny an offer like that. Especially not when he said: "They payment will be better than with Backstreet. Think about your family.", that asshole was putting salt into his wound. If AJ could have heard that, he probably would have driven all the way to Florida to beat the living shit out of Lou. That guy would have deserved it as well. Bastard. And yet Nick had taken the offer and it hurt. He couldn't really be happy about it. Sure he now had an opportunity to provide for his family again, but he had betrayed his friends, betrayed Brian. </p><p>When he had called AJ about it he was testing the grounds. Perhaps if he found out how Alex reacted, he could get a better idea of what Brian would say. Sadly the call had not really gone well. It had started cordially, but it soon went downhill. As soon as Nick mentioned Pearlman the mood of the talk changed and as he explained that he now would be a member of NSync AJ lost it. "You fucking asshole. You! How could you? Betraying us like that, betraying Brian!?", he still remembered how agitated his former friend had been, when he had shouted those words at him and then even more, "How could you do that to Bri? You're dead to me Nick! Don't ever call me again!" and then the call had ended, leaving him in tears. Of course he had expected the talk to be difficult. But AJ bringing up Brian and telling him that for him he was dead, it hurt. He had not even given him the chance to explain himself. After the talk Nick had cried for hours. He had lost a friend and it would even get worse. How would that talk go with Brian? Part of him wanted to say nothing to him at all, but it was not like he could avoid talking about it. As soon as he started going on tour, things would reveal themselves. It was better to speak about it right away, than keeping it a secret.</p><p>So despite all of his fears, he had made his way over to Brians place. He was supposed to meet him today anyhow. The plan had been something else, but still his boyfriend should be expecting him. For a few moments he just stared at the door leading into Brians flat. They had wanted to move together soon. He hoped he wouldn't destroy that dream. As he rang the bell, he could feel his stomach aching. This wasn't going to be easy.</p><p>-</p><p>He was here. The ringing of the doorbell alerted him of it. Nick had come. While hours ago, he would have been delighted and happy, now he felt empty. He didn't know what to feel anymore, but he still didn't want to believe what AJ said was true. So after a moment of hesitation he made his way to the door and pulled it open. There he was, the love of his life. He was smiling and he still was so beautiful, but Brian could see his worry. When he looked into his eyes he saw it, there was no happiness in there. </p><p>This couldn't be true.</p><p> With a sigh he made room, so Nick could walk past him into the flat. He was looking onto the ground as he made his way past him. "Where is your guitar, Nick?", the first question that came into his mind. Didn't he want to play his new songs to him? He still didn't want to believe what AJ said, there probably was a good explanation, why he came here without an instrument. "I... don't need it today.", the hesitation in Nicks words wasn't lost on Brian and he frowned lightly. "But I love to hear you sing to me. I was looking forward to hear your new songs. When..." - "Brian, I won't be doing any new songs anymore.", as the younger blonde interjected Brian gasped. What did that mean? "Why?", he was afraid to ask this question, because he didn't want to hear the answer, but he couldn't hold back on it. </p><p>It couldn't be true.</p><p> "I know this will be hard on you, but please let me explain.", Nick turned to face him. When their eyes met, they both could see each others sadness. For a moment there was perfect silence when his younger love hesitated to speak on. When he did though Brian tensed up: "I decided to join NSync." Immediately it felt as if his world was breaking down around him. AJ had told the truth after all and yet: "No, you are lying. You and AJ playing these games with me. Stop it! It's not funny!", his voice sounded as distraught as he felt. "AJ told you?", now Nick gasped and came closer. "It's no game babe.", Nick was being serious. As much as Brian did not want to believe him, he couldn't keep denying it. It was true and Brian didn't know if he should be sad or angry. He most of all felt hurt and a frightening coldness started to enclose his heart. For a moment he just stared at Nick. When the younger man decided to come even closer Brian narrowed his eyebrows. And as he attempted to touch his shoulder he pulled back. "Don't touch me!", his words were sharp and clear. He had betrayed him, his boyfriend had betrayed him. As he made a few steps backwards he felt new sickness rising in his stomach and it was mixing up with the anger that still resided there. "How could you?", he spit out those words, "After all Lou has done to us, to me. How could you, Nick?", Brian felt his body shiver in a mix of emotions when he spoke and he clenched his fists in order to control himself. "I...", Nick paused as he examined him, Brian could see the devastation in his eyes, "Brian please don't be angry, I took the offer because I want to provide for my family!"</p><p>Don't be angry? Those words only agitated him more. How could he not be angry, when Nick betrayed him like that? "Bullshit!", and then it just came out of him, "You could have provided for your family by going solo as well. You did not need to go back to Lou. Damnit Nick.", he shook his head and was silent for a moment, but as he noticed Nick wanted to say something he raised his voice again: "I don't want to hear it, Nick. I don't want to hear anything of you anymore. I thought you loved me. Did you even once consider to call me BEFORE you made that decision? Did you even hesitate to think about it.", he huffed, "Do you think it is easy for any of us? We all wanted to give our families a great life, not only you. Did you see any of us running back to Lou?" he shook his head once more, then walked to the door ripping it open with full force. "And the worst part of it is that I thought you loved me. I thought you really did. I thought you cared for me.", as he spoke those words Brian could not hold back on the tears anymore. He sobbed and they started to run down his cheek and as he looked over his shoulder he saw Nick was crying too. "Brian, please... I do love you. Please... don't make me leave.", and now he was begging. It was not easy to see Nick like this, he still loved him and it hurt to have him cry, but what he had done was bad. He couldn't just forget about being betrayed like that. He had broken his heart and his trust and Brian seriously doubted that Nick had ever loved him if he went back to Lou of all people.</p><p>"Stop lying Nick. Go! I never want to see you again!", and he pointed at the door he had opened. When Nick didn't move and opened his mouth to say more words, Brian made a few quick steps closer and grabbed him by the wrist. "Shut it and Go, Nick! It's over.", he dragged him along and basically threw him out of his flat, slamming the door close behind him. </p><p>And as he sank down on the door his back against it he could hear Nick hammering at it. He was calling his name, pleading to be let back in. It was sad, but Brian did not allow him to come back inside. He had broken his heart. No he had ripped it out of his chest to stomp on it. It hurt so much and he couldn't stop himself from crying. After ten minutes the hammering stopped and Brian knew that Nick had left. This was it, it was over. And as the realization hit him he sunk even farther down till he was laying on the ground. He couldn't hold back on the shivering anymore and the emotions grabbed him. So many tears were running down his cheek, that his eyes were starting to burn. How could he continue life without Nick? And as the loneliness fell upon him, he searched for his phone. If he wanted to avoid going mad, he had to talk to someone. And so he called AJ.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 1999 - AJ</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two months had passed since Brian had split up from the love of his life. The first few days without him had been hell. It seemed like everything he saw, everything he heard and everything he felt reminded him of Nick. All those memories he once had cherished, they now were a constant reminder of what he had lost. He probably would have drowned in that sea of sadness, done something stupid had it not been for AJ. Calling him had been the best choice he could have made.</p><p>Alex had not hesitated to come over after Brian had told him what happened. Then he had just been there for him. He had given him everything that he had needed. First he hold onto him, when Brian needed a shoulder to cry on. Then he brought ice cream and an open ear. For hours he had just listened to Brian as he talked about his lost love. Finally he had decided to try and distract him from his sadness. 'There are other fish out in the water. Don't stop living your life!', he still remembered those words. AJ had spoken them a month ago, when he had first convinced him to join his night of clubbing. </p><p>Partying had always been something his younger friend had enjoyed, but now that he had lost his job, he was out every night. For some reason he must have thought that doing the same was exactly what Brian needed. And he had not been wrong. While Brian had been skeptical at first, he soon realized how much relief going out with Alex brought to him. The loud music in the club was distracting, it made his body move and pushed bad thoughts away. And if any remained the booze that ran in rivers did the rest to clear his mind. At first Brian had been careful with how much he drank, but when he noticed how much better it made him feel, he forgot all of his inhibitions. AJ wasn't someone to hold back either. So each night left the former Backstreet Boys rather buzzed. It didn't take long for the drinking to become a habit and so they became regulars in quite a few nightclubs.</p><p>The one they visited tonight was called 'Rivers', after its owner. It was one of their favorites. The music was great as were the drinks. The place had three floors. Floor 1 was where techno played and pushed the guests to dance their soul out. Floor 2 was the punk floor, which AJ and Brian had frequented a lot in the beginning, when he still felt, that he needed to let his aggression out. Finally there was Floor 3, where they were hanging out today. It was the floor where pop music played. It was kind of odd to hear the music of some of these artists. When they had still been touring Europe they had met a few of them. They had been part of that elite group of famous pop artists that everyone loved. Now it felt like they were forgotten. It didn't matter, that they had shared a stage with the Spice Girls, because while the girls still were famous, Backstreet was not. And while in Europe they at least might have been recognized, barely anyone knew them here. Of course this was sad, but it also meant that they had a lot more freedom to do and be what they wanted and they enjoyed every bit of it. </p><p>They had already spent about two hours in this place and Brian could feel the world starting to spin.  Rum did that to him, it was his favorite drink. He did never consume it pure, he always had it in some kind of cocktail. AJ was always teasing him for it. 'You have some girlish drinking habits.", his words echoed in his mind and Brian couldn't help but grin. Alex was more for the clear drinks, vodka in particular, but Brian hated it if he could taste the alcohol. He enjoyed it to get buzzed together, but right now AJ was not with him. About ten minutes ago he had left to go to the toilet, leaving Brian all alone at the bar. It was not like he was scared to be alone, but he hoped his friend would come back soon, because he felt uncomfortable. There was a girl staring at him and he could feel it very clearly. From the corner of his eyes he could see her. The girl that had been staring at him for half an hour. As soon as AJ had left she had moved closer to him, taking the stool right next to him. There she had sat in silence ever since. It was rather unsettling how she was checking him out and Brian tried his best to ignore her, by staring at his drink as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. It was not like this woman wasn't attractive. She was quite alluring with long wavy black hair, that framed a pale face. She wore red lipstick that stood in contrast to her blue night-dress. No, she was anything but ugly, but Brian was not into women. They scared him, even more so ever since he had seen how crazy they could become, when they were fans of something. He prayed to god, that she would notice how very much not interested he was, but seemingly that prayer was left unanswered. When he was about to stand up in an attempt to flee from her staring eyes, she put a hand on his leg. Brian gasped. "Darlin' won't you like to stay a little bit longer? I've been watching you all night. You're the best looking guy in the club.", she was speaking in a low voice, it was obvious that she was trying to seduce him. But with her hand on his leg like that she scared him more than anything else. "Sorry not interested.", Brian responded the words escaping his throat in a slur, but quite a bit faster than he had planned to. He was starting to panic. But the woman was not easily shaken off "Are you sure?", she asked and moved her hand up along his thigh. This was wrong, she was molesting him. For a moment he froze unsure what to do. If it had been a guy, he would have had no problem pushing him off, but he couldn't just grab a woman by a wrist and possibly hurt her, could he? Unsure he just kept staring at the womans hand on his leg, tensing up his body. "Please leave me alone!", he finally decided to use words to get her to stop, but she ignored him. After he spoke she only moved her hand up further. She came dangerously close to his groin, when suddenly someone pulled her away from him. "What you think you doing there bitch? He told you to leave him alone!", it was AJ. Thank god, he had finally come back and now he was holding that woman by the wrist of the hand that had just touched him, pulling her away from him. Brian noticed, that the woman wanted to protest, but when she saw the glare in AJs eyes she ducked and turned around, wisely leaving the scene. </p><p>A sigh of relief escaped his throat: "Thank you Aje.", then he stood up to give his friend a hug. As soon as he left his sitting position it became evident to him how many drinks he already did have. Instead of walking to Alex, he nearly stumbled into him. He chuckled lightly as AJ caught him with a laugh. "Wow, careful there soldier! Don't want to have you falling on the ground.", he spoke as he patted Brians back gently in the hug. As he let go of him he examined him critically: "Can't leave you alone, can I Rok?", he shook his head a little and Brian sighed, "Well you can, but I don't like it.", he admitted and made a few steps back to the bar to grab his drink from the counter. "What took you so long anyway? Nobody takes ten minutes for a piss." Brian smirked when an idea came to his mind before he spoke on, "Met someone you like or something?" AJ shook his head then moved a bit closer towards him again. When he was right in front of him, he pulled a little plastic bag from his jacket. It contained a pill with a funny face on it. Brian didn't need to ask what it was, he knew. He had read enough about it to recognize it. When AJ pushed it into his hand he widened his eyes. "What the fuck, Aje?! That's Ectasy.", he was in shock, but as soon as he spoke that out his friend put a finger on top of his lips: "Shh... do you want to get us in trouble Rok?", he looked around warily for a moment. When his eyes came back to meet Brians he stared into them: "It is... you have to try it. I just did, it makes you feel so good. Much better than alcohol.", and when AJ spoke those words Brian noticed it too. The way his pupils were so small in the darkness of the club, it wasn't natural. He shook his head firmly, not sure what to think about AJs suggestion. "I... dunno Aje. Drugs are bad, they make you sick and stuff.", he gave his friend a worried look, but he still hold onto the plastic bag. "Dude, it's not bad, it's phenomenal. Alcohol makes you feel sick and you obviously don't mind that either. Please Brian, try it. If you don't like it you have to never take it again, but I want you to see this. The world never was so beautiful." Brian took a deep breath, sharply so. He was no fan of drugs, but AJ was right, alcohol did make him feel sick as well. And what would it hurt to try it once? It was not like he had to take it every day. But what was about addiction? Didn't you get addicted to drugs rather quickly? "Rok, please. Let's have some fun together. I want you to be on my level. It will help you to forget about Nick." The longer AJ pleaded, the lower Brians defenses got. He could understand his friends need to share this experience, it felt better to be on the same level. It was that way with alcohol as well. And everything Alex had suggested to him, since Nick left had made him feel better. Finally his last sentence lingered on his mind. Would it really make him forget about Nick? That had been something he had tried for weeks, but no matter how buzzed he got, in the night the memories still came. Sleeping had been a problem for months, because thoughts of Nick just didn't leave him alone. It couldn't hurt to try this medicine. </p><p>AJ had convinced him and after a moment of silence he opened the plastic bag and pulled out the pill. He looked at it for a moment, eyeing the smiling face that was staring back at him. "Alright...", he finally stated and put the pill into his mouth, flushing it down with a sip of his drink. "I hope you are right Aje!", he spoke when the pill hit his stomach. Alex answered by taking away his drink and putting it back onto the bar. Then he grabbed Brians wrist and dragged him along towards the first floor: "Let's go dancing!", he smiled brightly, obviously delighted by Brians decision. But there was something else in that smile, that he did not really understand. As they made their way to the techno-floor Brian had a hard time to walk straight. Thanks to the rum the world was still spinning around him. Luckily AJ was holding him pretty firmly, so every time he stumbled his friend just pulled him straight again. </p><p>"Do you feel it yet?", Alex asked, when they reached the dancefloor. Thoughtfully Brian looked around. Did he feel it? He felt dizzy and light-headed, but that was something that the alcohol did to him. So he shook his head as he raised his voice "Not really, no" - "You will soon!", AJ seemed to be rather confident as he pulled him along the last steps towards where the crowd was dancing. "Just give yourself to the feels!", his younger friend said with a wide grin, then he started to dance. After a moment of hesitation Brian joined him. What did he mean with feels? What was he feeling? He looked at Alex thoughtfully for a while as he started to move his body. Weird, had he always been that good at dancing? His movements were fascinating, they seemed so fluid. Too fluid. When he realized the drug was starting to work, he could not help but grin. AJ had been right, this felt phenomenal. He felt as if a whole new energy shot into his body. It made him want to dance and it made him want to feel. Everything suddenly was so intense. For a while Brian could only stare up towards the lights dancing above his head. "Wow...", it escaped his throat. He wanted to say more, but the words were forgotten when he suddenly felt something. Alex had come closer and was now grinding up against him. What was that? Was he trying to come on to him? That thought only stayed a second until it was pushed away by euphoria. This felt good. He never had felt something this intense. Every time AJs body brushed up against it, it felt like tiny tickling explosions all over his body, he didn't want him to stop. "AJ. This is so good.", he told his friend as he looked away from the lights down towards him. "Right?", and AJ smirked putting his right hand in the small curve of Brians back pulling him closer. </p><p>When their bodies touched, Brian noticed, that the lust his younger friend felt had not only made its way towards his eyes. As AJ pushed up against him he could clearly feel that he was sporting a rather prominent hard-on. He couldn't hold back a moan as he felt it. What was happening? Why did he like it? Was that the drugs messing with his mind? It felt hard to make any clear thought right now. After a moment the drug already had made him forget all his worries. This felt so good. Suddenly he followed the urge to grind back up against AJ, burying his head against his neck. He gasped when he noticed, that he was getting hard himself. "Not bad Rok!", Alex spoke in half a moan as he felt what was happening. When their hard cocks rubbed against each other through their clothes AJ brought one hand down towards his butt to squeeze it. "So intense...", he mumbled and pulled away a second later, leaving Brian confused. "Aje.", he gasped obviously surprised. Part of him still felt weirded out by all this, but the overpowering intense emotions created by the drug drowned all of that. Alex winked at him as he stared into his eyes, then leaned closer to put a gentle kiss onto his lips. It didn't last long and Brian did not really taste him, but their lips touching one another felt completely different to how it felt with Nick. With Nick, he had felt his heart racing, with AJ, he only felt lust. Tickling wild lust that made him hum in an aroused fashion. "Come with me Brian!", as he spoke he winked towards him and took him by the hand. Then he just pulled him along, across the dancefloor through the corridors out of the club. "Where we going?", he couldn't help but be mildly confused, but his friend only grinned, "To your car. Let's have some fun.", and Brian knew exactly what he meant. When they reached his truck Brian opened it, but it was AJ who entered first. Alex took the back row of seats, then pulled him inside as well.  A moment later Brian had straddled him, his legs on both sides of AJs waist. This was going to be interesting. </p><p>Driven by desire AJ pushed his hip upwards lightly, making Brian gasp, when their cocks touched once again. "C'mon Bri, you know how to do this.", he gave a provoking smirk and Brian groaned. He was right, but this was different. This was not Nick, this was AJ and right now he felt everything three times as intense as he normally did. The pure lust was clouding his mind. When AJ circled his hip a second time, he couldn't hold back anymore. With a groan he moved in closer and grabbed AJ by his wrists. </p><p>-</p><p>"That's it.", AJ moaned as he felt Brian finally starting to take initiative. How often had he heard him and Nick having sex before? Whenever they were in their hotel room, they never had hold back. And AJ had heard it all through those thin walls some of these places had. For a long time he had not admitted it, but over time it had become evident. All those times he had heard Nick moan under Brians touch, AJ had dreamed that it was him. He wanted to be the one that Rok loved, that made his world spin, but he never did get the chance. Now it was finally his time. </p><p>As Brian took control of the situation AJ gasped for air. This was so sexy, he never had been dominated by anyone. He would not allow anybody else to do it either, but Brian was special. When he yanked down the jeans and boxers AJ was wearing as if it was nothing he pushed up against him again. This was taking too long, he wanted him so badly, wanted him now. "Fuck me Bri...", it escaped his lips. He didn't care if he sounded desperate, he didn't care if he begged. This had to happen, now. Brian growled, obviously as controlled by lust as he was. Then he spun him around turned him onto his belly. Never before had AJ experienced his older friend like this. He had always been gentle and kind towards him. Of course he had been different to Nick and he knew that as well, but he had never experienced it himself. It was the hottest thing he had ever known. Dominant Brian was making his heart race and he wasn't holding back. As the older mans body rubbed up against him AJ noticed, that Brian had removed his pants as well. He could feel the flesh of his hard cock pressing against his legs. "We have no lube..", Brian grumbled in half a moan, but he did not seem that bothered by it. Before AJ could answer he had spit on his asshole. As degrading as that felt, he couldn't deny it was sexy as well. Brian wanted him so badly, that he was willing to do something like that. Alex could not stop himself from blushing as he moved his body to bend his ass upwards a bit. </p><p>-</p><p>He couldn't believe how needy Alex was acting. Of course he felt it as well, the pure lust mixing up with the intensity Ecstasy created. It was driving him wild. But with AJ being that needy, he reminded him a little of Nick. Nick. When his mind drifted off towards the man he had loved so much, he remembered the many nights they had shared. All those things they had done, the harmless stuff and the crazy and kinky shit. He loved it when they got wild, loved to see the expression on Nicks face when he was about to come. Sometimes Brian had stopped just in that moment, to torment him just a little. Then he had made him beg. Just thinking of it made his cock get even harder. Nick had begged just like AJ. Only as he pressed his cock up against the younger mans asshole, he noticed the difference. Alex was tight, really tight. It was obvious that he never had anal sex before. While that tightness felt really good on his cock, he also knew it would be painful for his friend. "Don't stop...", and yet it seemed like AJ wanted it that way. Brian would not disappoint him. So with a strong push he pressed himself all up inside him. The younger man squirmed under the thrust and he hissed in pain, but if he had gone any slower, the pain would only have lasted longer. Perhaps it felt painful now, but he knew it soon would fade. And yet it felt bad to have AJ whimper like that, he had to do something to make him feel better. So as he pulled back out of his friend again he reached one hand around him to grab his cock. </p><p>-</p><p>When Brian thrust into him it hurt. The pain was so strong that it went right into his stomach. Still, it was just what he wanted. Behind the pain was only pleasure. And he couldn't wait for it to capture him. The way he felt with the Ecstasy traveling through his veins it would probably be the best kind of pleasure he ever felt. And he wasn't wrong. When Brian grabbed his shaft and started to rub it, the feeling was so strong that it made him feel dizzy. It felt so good, that it was able to numb the pain that came back when Brian thrust in again. Pain and pleasure were mixing up in a weird cocktail that made all his senses light up in high alert. "Brian!", he couldn't help but to moan out his name. The older man was giving him so much.  Seemingly enticed by this Brian grabbed his waist firmly with both hands and increased his speed. </p><p>If AJ had felt good before he now felt as if he was in heaven. With every thrust the pain lessened making room for more pleasure. With every thrust Brian also rubbed and squeezed AJs cock. The dizziness of pleasure coming from both sides of his body was clouding his mind and his eyes were glazed by lust, both of their eyes were. He did never want this to end. And yet, the drug that was running through their bodies made everything so intense, that it was hard to last long. Brian was the first who came, moaning loud but with a low growl. Even as his cum started to fill AJ up, Brian didn't stop to rub Alexs manhood. In fact he only increased the speed in that he was rubbing and a moment later Alex couldn't hold back any longer either. As he came onto the row of seats below him AJ let out a cry of pleasure, before he collapsed in exhaustion, loosing all tension in his body.</p><p>He was breathing heavily when his older friend pulled out of him. A second later AJ felt Brians weight falling on top of him. It was a bit of a struggle, but with a little bit of effort Alex managed to turn around. He wanted to look into Brians eyes. And as he met them all he saw was happiness. Brian smiled and AJ couldn't hide his secret any longer. In a mere whisper he spoke the three words, he had wanted to say for so long: "I love you."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 2000 - AJ II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Love was an interesting thing. Brian had always thought that it was pretty clear-cut what it meant, but being with AJ had changed that. When the younger man had first confessed his emotions to him, he had not known how to react. For a while he had just stared at the other, trying to come up with the words to say. It had surprised him. Never in all those years had he realized, that AJ felt anything for him. Alex had been very good in keeping his emotions secret. So when Brian heard him speak those three words it had overwhelmed him. Memories of Nick had shot into his mind, but he quickly became aware how unfair that was. He couldn't compare one man to the other and he didn't want to hurt AJ. That was the important thing, trying to keep the other from hurting. And who was he to say, he couldn't love Alex back? At the moment he had not felt like he loved him, but he had been willing to try. It couldn't be so hard to fall in love with him. The younger man was giving him his very best. So how could he have just pushed him away? That would have been mean and it would have hurt somebody he cared about. And who could say if he didn't love him already? Perhaps it was normal to feel different about AJ, than about Nick. Perhaps what he was feeling for Alex was just another kind of love, but still love. So in the end he had smiled. 'I love you, too.', he had spoken and thus started something new and beautiful.</p><p>Ever since that day AJ and him had been an item and it had been exciting times. Becoming lovers didn't mean, that their life slowed down any. They still went out nearly every night. Went to clubs and bars and all kinds of interesting places. One time AJ had decided to take him to a gay bar. It was a completely new experience for him. Exciting and new, very inspiring. The sex they had that night had been phenomenal. That was another thing he learned about AJ. He really was into kinky stuff, much more so than Nick. While Nick loved his dominance, he had never brought toys into their game, like Alex did. He had paddles, collars, even whips and he wanted Brian to use them on him. At first he had hesitated, cause it didn't really feel like him, but when AJ had begged him, half-naked and more than ready, there was no way he could have denied it. It hadn't been too bad either, just something new. And new things were what AJ was about, not only if it came to sex. </p><p>When they had first tried Ecstasy, Brian had been worried about it. But the way the drug made him feel was so accelerating, that he wanted to try it again. What did it matter if he would get addicted to something, that made him feel so good? And if it shortened his life, so what? At least it would be an amazing life then. Nobody could say if things would turn out badly, either. There was a chance he could take drugs and still live a long life. There were plenty of examples of this out in the world, even in the clubs they visited. Fifty year old druggies, that still enjoyed their life immensely: Partying, having fun. It was a future, that didn't seem all that scary to him. So he had pushed away all his worries. He was sure drugs wouldn't kill him, they only would increase his fun.</p><p>At first AJ and him had stayed with Ecstasy, giving themselves to the intensity the drug provided, but as time went on the buzz that drug gave them got smaller and shorter. Some day E just wasn't enough anymore. They both had felt it that day, their bodies were shivering, longing for something to fill their desire for a kick. AJ had been the one to suggest, they would try something new and then he had introduced Brian to the dealer. No names were given, just a number on a piece of paper, that made its way into Brians pocket. When they asked for a new kick, he had sold them cocaine. Different to E, coke didn't come as a pill. You couldn't just throw it into your mouth to feed the hunger, you had to snort it through your nose. Had they not been desperate for new pleasure, that thought might have scared them off. But their bodies were screaming for substance. AJ had been the first to try using a dollar note, just like their dealer had explained he should do. It went surprisingly well and quick, but Alex still had to hold back not to sneeze after he was done. Brian followed his example not willing to give up on being on the same level as his lover. It didn't take long for the stuff to kick in and boy was it something. If someone had asked him to describe it, then he would have said cocaine was like Ecstasy just way stronger. Of course E had also brought hallucinations with it, that were missing with the coke, but other than that it was having a similar effect. It was like the best thing ever. That night they first danced for hours, then fucked with a never before seen wildness. All the while, they were not aware of the exhaustion, their bodies surely had to go through, because they didn't feel it. The stuff was just so great, that they knew it would not be the last time they took it.</p><p>Over the following months they had done E and coke, but they also experimented with other stuff. Whenever they felt like it, they went to their dealer to ask for something new. By the time the spring of 2000 came along it felt like they had tried all drugs that humanity ever came up with. A new Millenium had arrived and it had changed their lives completely. No longer were they the proper and good pop-stars, they had been two years ago. Now they were party animals, wild and free, not bound by any obligations. It felt like such a beautiful life, that they didn't miss anything. Of course there were worries about what would happen when their savings were gone. The drug consumption over the last months had lead to their finances constantly dwindling. But that was part of what made these substances so great. When you took them, you forgot about all your worries: money and anything else. Their life was great and nothing could change it. At least so they thought. Then June came.</p><p>Things started out as usual that night. AJ came over to his place in the evening, dressed for the night that was about to come. When Brian looked at him he had to smirk, it was cute how he was so in love with him. He just couldn't stop trying to kiss him. First on the lips then on the cheeks and on the neck. He didn't stop until Brian gently pushed him away: "Later...", he spoke and gave the younger man a smile. They had to go and party first, the loving came after. AJ wanted to protest, but Brian just sighed and took him by the wrist. "We gotta get to the club, hurry.", it might have sounded pretty cold, but he needed to be direct. He was feeling that longing again, he needed to get a kick, do some coke, perhaps some Ecstasy with it. Brian had not decided yet, the only thing he was sure about, was that he would take something. His lovers body was already shivering as well, he could notice that when he was holding onto his arm. They had to get something, quickly. </p><p>When they came to the club, that was the first thing they did: finding their dealer. Luckily there were only a few spots where he could be. They found him quickly and got some coke and E. After they consumed it they made their way back to the pop-floor. As usual at this time of the day, they had turned on a TV screen. It was showing music videos to the songs, that were blaring out of the clubs sound system. A long time ago, one of the first times they had been here, Brian had seen them playing 'Quit Playing Games'. AJ and him had decided to flee the scene at that moment. He didn't want to know, what would have happened if any of the guests had recognized them. They probably would have needed to explain themselves and that was nothing he wanted to do. In a way Brian was thankful, that their song had long since left the charts. People were not playing them anymore. By now Backstreet Boys truly were history. There were other bands, that were rocking the world now: Spice Girls, All Saints, The Offspring and many more. He would have lied, if he had said, that he wouldn't have enjoyed still being popular. If they had been able to release that album, they had been planning, he had no doubt they would still up there with the Greats. They even had picked a name for it already: Millenium. But when Lou won the lawsuit, their dream had ended. But dwelling on it didn't help and only made him sad. They had moved on by now, their former pop career was not important anymore. And yet he couldn't forget, even less so, when fate played a trick on him.</p><p>
  <i>"You might been hurt, babe. That ain't no lie. You've seen them all come and go, oh. I remember you told me, that it made you believe in no man, no cry..."</i>
</p><p>That voice. Suddenly it came right into his ear out of the boxes. This was NSync, this was Nick. Brian immediately stopped his dancing. Right now it didn't matter, that the drugs in his body pushed him to dance. His eyes were drawn to the TV screen. There he was: his angel. He was so beautiful, his voice so much stronger, than he remembered it. He looked good and healthy, happy even. "Nick..", it escaped his mouth. Why was hearing his ex-lover all that it took to have his world crashing down? All those memories he had long pushed away, they suddenly were shooting back into his head. Those lips that were singing that song, he had once kissed them. As he started to loose himself in the pictures playing in his mind, he didn't notice that AJ was reaching out to grab him by the shoulder. Only when the younger man pulled him backwards and twirled him around, he found a way back to reality.  "Brian! Don't look!", AJs expression was serious as he pulled him up against his chest. But even when he wasn't looking, he still could hear Nicks voice.</p><p>
  <i>"Baby, when you finally. Get to love somebody. Guess what, It's gonna be me."</i>
</p><p>Those words, it was as if he was singing them directly to him. </p><p>-</p><p>He had seen it, the way Brian had looked when he heard Nick sing. The sparkle that had been in his eyes. AJ had not known, that something had been missing between them until he saw it. Brian had never looked at him like that. Not with that much love in his eyes. This couldn't be true. It couldn't be, that the man he loved was still infatuated with Nick. He had sworn to him, that he was the only one. That he had moved on from Nick, forgotten about him. And now, with that reaction. He couldn't allow it. He had to do something. </p><p>-</p><p>Suddenly AJ huffed. A moment later he started to pull Brian out of the club. "Where we going, AJ?", Brian felt so confused. AJ didn't answer, he only dragged him along until they reached his truck. When he turned around Brian saw a confusing mix of emotions in his expression. There was worry, anger and sadness, but he was also smiling. What was this about? "Babe... you are beautiful, do you know that?", speaking those words AJ let go of his wrist and lead the hand up to touch his cheek instead. It was still confusing: "Why are we out here now, Aje? I wanna dance...", it was no lie, the coke made him want to move, it was difficult to keep his feet still. AJ sighed, looking down for a second before meeting his eyes again: "You love me babe, don't you? Please tell me you love me." Of course he loved AJ, what was this question about? "I love you.", Brian spoke, still confused. Why would he ask that?</p><p>When AJ smiled, Brian felt oddly relieved. Perhaps they could go back to the dancefloor now. He already wanted to turn around when AJ grabbed his wrist again, pulling him close. "Show me you love me!", that was new. Alex had begged before, but he never ordered him around. Brian raised an eyebrow. Was that what he wanted now? He thought Alex liked to be dominated. Perhaps he had been wrong. The confused expression made its way back onto Brians face and it didn't vanish when AJ closed the last space left between them. A second later the younger man had grabbed him by the waist and started to grind up against him. "AJ!", Brian said in an attempt to snap him out of it, "Calm down." Something about this didn't feel right. AJ stopped moving, but suddenly there were tears in his eyes. In instinct Brian reached out a hand to wipe them away. When he touched AJs face, the younger man looked desperate and raised his voice: "Please, Brian. I need you to make love to me now. Please.", so now he was begging again? What had gotten into him? And what should he do? He hated to see AJ like this. He couldn't stand him crying. So he took a deep breath, pulled away from his lover and opened the door to the truck: "Alright.", he agreed to his request, then grabbed for AJs wrist forcefully pulling him until he was standing in front of him. Then with a strong push he got the younger man inside of the truck onto the backseat.</p><p>As he climbed onto Alex, straddling him, he stared down into his eyes. His actions made no sense. They were gonna have sex later, after dancing. Why was he so needy all of a sudden? And why did he cry? And he looked so sad too. Nick had never looked as sad, when he wanted to have sex. Brian felt frustrated that he didn't understand and frowned as he looked down to AJ. He wasn't supposed to cry. How could he make him feel better? Feeling unsure what to do he just stared at his lover for a while. Alex liked his dominance. Perhaps that was the answer. Taking another deep breath Brian grabbed the thin tank top AJ was wearing and ripped it off of his body. Not wasting any time he just threw that shirt away and leaned in to plant a trail of kisses on AJs chest. Was this right? Brian still was frowning even though AJ gasped when he felt his kisses moving downward. </p><p>This all felt so strange, the drug was pumping through his body, AJ was crying, this was going much too slow and he didn't even feel aroused. Suddenly he felt anger rising from his stomach and he growled, pulling away from planting kisses, just to stare at AJ again. What did he want? Why did he act like that? Nick had never been so confusing. He always had known, what his Frack wanted. How beautiful he had sounded in that song. That voice, he had heard how much it had matured. He wondered if he would sound different now when he moaned too. Brian still remembered how high-pitched Nick moans had been. That blonde bundle of chaos had been able to drive him wild solely by that. Even thinking of it made Brian grow hard. He could use that. AJ needed it. </p><p>-</p><p>Perhaps he had worried too much. At first laying below Brian like that had felt weird. He was so different today, not at all carried by lust. AJ could see how confused he was, but how should he explain to him, that he was jealous of Nick. Scared that their love perhaps wasn't true. Brian would have denied that and he probably would have become angry as well. For some reason he had even seen anger in his eyes just a second ago. All his worries vanished, though, when he felt his lovers hard cock rub up against his leg. So he lusted for him after all. Somehow AJ felt relieved.</p><p>- </p><p>Finally Alex expression changed. So he really wanted to have sex? He couldn't help but smirk, that just letting the younger man feel his hard cock could make him feel better. Why were all the men he loved always so needy? Nick had been the same, becoming aroused, whenever Brian only did so much as touch him. It had been really quite something and had enchanted him quite a lot. His blonde angel had loved it, when he took control too. Nick enjoyed it when Brian spun him around. Thinking about it, he did just that with AJ, already reaching for the lube, they had wisely put into the net on the back of the drivers seat. When he had it in his hand he put the tube down right next to him. More memories flooded his mind. The times he had been with Nick, he had enjoyed it when the younger man had prepared them with the lube. It had felt so hot to have his Frack rubbing his cock, with the sticky substance only so he could fuck him good. Brian hummed when he thought about that.</p><p>Lost in his thoughts he pulled AJs pants and boxers down in one swift motion. "Brian...", the younger man moaned his name. It sounded so different to Nicks voice, much deeper, less innocent. When Nick had moaned his name it had made his whole body tingle. He wanted to remember that voice instead. Before he could even think he had raised his voice: "Shut up!", and brought one hand forward to press it in front of AJs mouth. He didn't want him to speak. He wanted to think of Nick. This would only work if he dreamed of making love to his Frack. As he felt AJ moan against his hand Brian closed his eyes, blindly grabbing for the lube. He used it, rubbing it on his cock in a trained motion.</p><p>Thinking of his former lover was working. With AJ finally silent, he could completely sink into his dream of Nick. He was laying under him right now, waiting to be loved by him. Only by him since he was his. Brian groaned at that thought and pushed himself into the man below him. It still was AJ, but he was thinking of Nick. It felt so good to finally sleep with him again. Too bad, the blonde hair had been cut, else he could have hold onto it. Like this he could only hold him by the waist. He was so beautiful still and he got him so wild. Brian couldn't wait any longer and he couldn't be gentle. He had to fuck him and so he started to thrust, slowly at first, but he soon increased the speed. </p><p>Memories of Nicks moans got very audible in his head, he truly was here, wasn't he? Making love with him felt so good. How he had missed it. As he kept thrusting faster and faster more moans escaped his throat. It wouldn't take long until he would come. He was so very close. And when the man below him suddenly tensed his body tightening it around his cock, he couldn't take it any longer. "Nick!", he moaned out as he came, collapsing right away on top of him.</p><p>For a moment there was silence, nothing happened and Brian was still lost in his dream. Then all of a sudden he felt pain from his right hand. When AJ bit him he pulled Brian back to reality and made him gasp. In shock Brian pulled the hand away from Alexs mouth and sat up again. </p><p>"You prick!", he heard AJ call, even before he turned his body to face him again. "You fucking asshole!", he was crying again and pulled away from him, dragging his legs free from below him until he was kneeling next to him. It took a moment, but when Brian realized what had just happened he gasped: "AJ... I...", he didn't know what to say, but Alex did not give him the time to speak either, "Fuck you Brian! I thought you loved me. I thought you did!", as he spoke he quickly put his pants back on. His whole body was shaking. "But I do love you...", Brian protested trying to reach out to him. AJ slapped his hand away, "Stop lying and get away from me.", he paused for a moment, then opened the cars door on his side moving out of the truck. "You never loved me... I didn't want to believe it, but I know it now. You never loved me the way I love you." he sounded hurt and as he was done speaking he sobbed deeply. "You're a fucking prick!", and suddenly anger mixed with the sadness in AJs voice as he shouted at him. A second later he had turned around and was running away, crying. "No, AJ! Stop!", Brian called out to him, but it was too late, he was gone.</p><p>What had he done? He felt so bad. This was not what he had wanted. He never had wanted to break AJs heart like that. Had the love he felt truly been wrong? He thought about it for a while. When he realized all that AJ had said was true, he felt a sharp pain in his heart. It was true, he realized that now. That love he had felt for Alex had been the love for a friend he cared deeply about, not the love for a lover. As he realized, that he had lied to himself to make himself believe, that he loved AJ more than that he gasped. That meant he had used him. He had told himself, he had wanted to make his younger friend happy, but Brian realized now, that he only had wanted to make himself happy. It had been so hard to forget Nick, he had used AJ to be a distraction and now even that had failed. Not even pretending to be in a relationship with Alex had been enough to make him forget Nick. And in the process he had hurt another person he truly cared about. What kind of monster was he? Now he was all alone, nobody left to turn to, but it was his own fault. AJ had not deserved this and yet he had put him through it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Late 2000 & 2001 - Addiction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>"From: AJ McLean<br/>
To: Brian Littrell</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Hello Brian. I have seen your texts and I want to let you know, that I'm in Rehab. I got myself some help and I hope you do too. Don't expect me to answer any further texts you write, cause you hurt me. And yet I still love you. That is why I need to stay away from you, because it's the best for me. But I urge you to do what is best for you as well. Try to go to Rehab and change your life.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>bye,<br/>
AJ"</i>
</p><p>Brian had been staring at his phone for minutes. He had not expected to hear from AJ ever again. Not after he had tried to contact him for months without getting any response. When that silence had hit him, he even had called AJs mom Denise. That had ended in disaster. She had known everything about their party life and drug escapades and she blamed it all on Brian. Her shouts had forever been burned into his mind: "You were his big brother", "How could you?", "You're a monster, don't you dare calling again!" It were the words of a protective mother and Brian knew that, but it still hurt. </p><p>Nobody had been at fault, they had chosen this life for themselves. The drugs brought them joy and opened a beautiful new world to them. AJ had loved their experiments just as much as Brian had. </p><p>How things could change. All of a sudden AJ seemed to regret what they had done. Suddenly he acted all high and mighty, saying Brian needed help, implying their drug use was bad. Fuck him. Where had that notion been, when he offered the first Ecstasy pill to Brian? Back then AJ had begged him to take it and now he just turned around like that? What an asshole. What did he even know about him or his drug intake anymore? </p><p>Things had changed. In those six months since AJ had left Brian had managed to get away from E and coke. He didn't need those anymore, because he had found something better. A substance so wonderful it made him forget everything bad. Heroin was like that. It made him feel confident and happy with himself. That amazing tranquility it carried through his veins was so unique, he never wanted to miss it again. Of course he had no doubt that he could stop taking it just like he did with E and coke, but right now he didn't want to stop. Nothing had ever made him feel that good. It was so fantastic, that he didn't even mind the fact that the best way to consume it was through injection. The dealer had showed him how to do it properly and ever since Brian hadn't done it any other way.</p><p>The only thing bothersome about it was how short it lasted. To keep the high going he had to take it several times a day and it wasn't cheap either. The worst part of it was, that all his savings already had been spent. There was nothing left in his account. Brian had started selling a few of his most valuable possessions, like his golden and platinum records. All that only so he could afford to buy more H. The stuff was worth it. AJ might have thought he needed help, but Brian had never felt better. So what if he needed to sell some of his stuff? What good was a golden or platinum record? They did not feed him, nor did they give him a kick. They were just memories of a time, that hadn't been worth a thing. Here and now he didn't need that. What he needed now was H. For that he needed money.</p><p>And when there would be nothing left to sell, he would find another way to get cash. Brian still could sing and he was certain he could make money with that. If he performed songs in the most frequented places in town, people would pay him. So things were good. There was nothing to worry about. AJ should have known that.</p><p>
  <i>"From: Brian Littrell<br/>
To: AJ McLean</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm fine Aje. Mind your own business. Sorry I hurt you."</i>
</p><p>He finally sent a response-SMS. While he was aware AJ wouldn't answer, he still wanted him to know. When the message was sent he looked back up. He was in the clubs bathroom, standing in front of a sink and a mirror. It had been only a few moments ago, that he had injected himself with another shot of H. The needle he had used still was laying on the floor close-by. He was feeling good now and he thought he looked it as well. The man he saw in the mirror had lost a few pounds, but it suited him. Brought out his facial structure and people had always loved his facial structure. Brian had also dyed his hair in a brighter blonde tone than before. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to keep it that way or go with red as he originally had planned. The blonde suited him well enough, so he hesitated to change it. All in all he was satisfied with the way he looked. Most people agreed on it, too. He noticed it by the way they stared at him. As Brian pulled away from the mirror and sink he felt elevated. Nothing could touch him tonight.</p><p>
  <b>6 months later:</b>
</p><p><i>"I never want to hear you say I want it that way!"</i>, Brian paused, <i>"'Cause I want it that way!"</i> and finished the song. It had been supposed to be on the Millennium-album. The one the Backstreet Boys had recorded, but whichs release Lou had stopped. Brian wasn't sure if he could get in legal trouble for performing it. Right now he didn't care either. The important part was, that singing it here in a subway station so close to Hollywood made him money. It didn't nearly make enough money, but it was still the most lucrative idea he had come up with. He needed money, he needed it badly, because he needed H. The last time he injected had been a few hours ago. If he didn't want to go cold turkey, he needed to get some Heroin soon. Those withdrawal symptoms were nothing to joke about. When the longing got too big it made him sweat and shiver. Then he felt nauseous and full of pain. He hated when that happened, but sadly with H it oftentimes came far too quickly. At the moment it was still okay, but he could feel it approaching. So after he had finished the song, he started to count the money. As the crowd around him left he counted all the dollar notes they had thrown into his guitar case. He even counted the pennies.</p><p>"Darn!", he sighed. This was not enough. People were not in a spending mood today. He had not even made half of what he needed. "Fuck!", he sighed again, then growled. Being focused on the money like that he did not even notice someone approaching him from the side until he heard a deep male voice speak: "You need money, eh?", Brian narrowed his eyes before facing the source of the voice. It was a wealthy looking man in a suit. He had black hair, dark eyes and seemed about ten years older than Brian, but he still was somewhat handsome. The way he looked at him seemed to be full of care and thus Brian softened his expression. "Yeah, I need quite a bit of it actually!", he explained looking up to the guy in suit. </p><p>Brian noticed that the man was eyeing his lower right arm. It was obvious, that person knew that Brian was injecting himself with stuff. Suddenly the man smiled: "Well I could help you out!"- "You would?", Brian seemed delighted and the guy nodded in response "How?", at the question that followed the man gestured towards the stairs leading out of the station. "Come with me. I show you!", while the guys words were spoken in a friendly fashion Brian still hesitated for a moment. Going with strangers was always dangerous, but as he thought about it the chance to get money outweighed his fear of possible risk. So he quickly gathered up his guitar case and nodded. "Okay. Uhm, what's your name?", he asked as the man lead him along out of the subway station. "Call me Adam!", he answered as they stepped out into L. A.s night.</p><p>For a moment Brian wondered where they were going. He already wanted to ask when Adam suddenly stopped. They didn't make it very far. "We are here!", he announced and Brian looked around. They were in a dark alley between two high-rise buildings. There were fire-ladders hanging on the side of one of those brick structures. The place was very close to the station they had just left, but a wooden-panel-fence hid it from prying eyes.</p><p>"What are we doing here?", Brian asked warily making a careful step backwards. Adam smirked as he responded: "I think you know, pretty boy!" Why did he address him like that? It made him feel uncomfortable. All of a sudden he didn't seem so nice anymore. The sound of Adams voice made all of Brians hair stand up as he shook his head. "What you shaking your head for? You don't know?", Adam asked with a sigh, then spoke on: "Well let me spell it out for you, junkie.", he spoke sharply and Brian hissed at the title he gave him, "You need your fix and I need mine. So let's trade. I give you $300 if you let me fuck you!", Brian gasped when Adam spoke those words. $300? That was a lot of money, he could buy more than one package of H for it. At the same time though those words shocked him. How dare he calling him a junkie, then trying to buy him as a prostitute? It made Brian frown to be treated like that. Part of him wanted to kick Adam in the nuts, before running away, but $300 was a lot of money. To make that much he would have needed to sing for several days. He felt disgusted, that he even considered taking the mans offer and yet he stayed.</p><p>As Brian didn't move Adam laughed and stepped closer towards him. A second later he was so close that he could feel the taller mans breath hitting his face. Adam took his chin between the thumb and the index finger of his right hand and grinned. Brian tried to tilt his head away, but he didn't move backwards.</p><p>"So it seems we have a deal. You do what I say and then you get the money!", the taller man stared Brian down. For a moment he hesitated fighting with the disgust he felt gathering in his stomach, but then he nodded, slowly dropping the guitar case next to him. He hated that he was agreeing to this. How could it have gotten this far? This was degrading and repulsive. 'Offering your body for money. Well done Brian.', he thought to himself in disgust as Adam pressed him down onto his knees: "Give me a blowjob and for fucks sake look into my eyes. I want to see how I make you feel!", Adam chuckled and Brian knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to see him fall apart. That man got a kick out of it. He had known Brian would not have the strength to deny so much money and he had also known, that he would hate doing it.</p><p>It felt terrible to be used like that and as the older man removed his pants and boxers he felt so disgusted. And as Adam pushed his semi-hard cock into the his mouth, Brian noticed how tears were gathering in his eyes. It made him sick as he noticed that his tears only seemed to make the man grow harder. Adam took what he wanted. He grabbed the younger mans hair and pulled his head and mouth up along his shaft. Doing that he took part of Brians spirit as well. The most sicking part for Brian was, that he did so with his consent. He had allowed that man to do it and that made him feel sick. Thinking about it made him gag, but somehow he was able to hold back on vomiting. With the cock in his mouth he wasn't sure how well that would have ended. He didn't want to risk the man not giving him the promised money either. So he was glad his self-control was strong enough to stop himself from doing more than gagging. He loathed that this reflex only caused his punter to moan loudly.</p><p>Why was he doing this? Perhaps he had really underestimated the heroin, but now it was too late. Now he needed it. Now it had lead Brian to cross a line. While he sucked Adams cock, he knew this was only the first man to come. Now that he had agreed on selling his body, he would do so again. There was just too much money to be made like this. Money that would give him H. H that would make him happy again. That drug would make sure he could forget what he did to get it. He couldn't wait for this to be over, so he could run to his dealer.</p><p>
  <b>Another 6 months later:</b>
</p><p>Over the time Brian had become rather numb. The disgust he had felt the first time he sold his body, had vanished by the time he welcomed his third john. And that had been a while ago. By now Brian had satisfied so many men, that he had lost count. He didn't know how many it had been. It didn't matter either. All that mattered was how much money they gave. Brian had started a housekeeping book some time ago. All his customers were listed there, those he only saw once, his regulars, those that were ugly, those that were pretty, those with names and those without. He took down every detail and always added how much money they gave him. </p><p>By now Brian had fees. Anal was $200, S&amp;M $300, a kiss $150 and a blowjob $50, additionally he took $50 per every half hour after the first. That was the amount of money he had found most men were willing to pay. When Adam gave him $300 dollar for a blow job, he had thought there was more money in it. But it seemed like that guy had just wanted him quite badly. Or at least it had been that way. In the beginning Adam had been a regular customer, but recently he had not shown up anymore. It didn't surprise Brian. Adam had enjoyed to see the disgust in his eyes. Now that it was gone, half of the joy he could give to him was gone too. It was not like Brian missed him, but his first customer had always paid him well.</p><p>There were others though, like George, who had become his most loyal client. Like Adam he was rich, different to him though he was very gentle. George was an older man in his sixties, who had lived a life full of pleasure. He was a banker and knew all about what made the world go round. The only thing that had always been missing in his life had been love. Like Brian George never had been interested in women and that made things difficult. He had been born in times when being gay was not only frowned upon, but was outright dangerous, even more so than today. For a time he had pretended to be straight, he had even been married. Several times, actually. But all his many marriages had always ended in divorce, because he just couldn't be happy with women. He had finally realized, that he needed men to be happy, but he still was too ashamed of himself, to ever admit it openly. That's why he searched the company of men in secret. That's why he met with prostitutes. Brian surely wasn't his only one, but he knew he was his favorite. George liked Brian so much, that he even allowed him to sleep at his place sometimes. And that was an offer he gladly accepted. A few months ago Brian had given up on his flat. He just couldn't afford it anymore. He needed all money he could get for his drugs. Ever since then he had been living in a shack close to an abandoned rail-station not too far away from Downtown LA. It was not really legal for him to stay there, but if he was careful, the cops wouldn't find out. The place was acceptable for what he needed, but it was anything but luxurious, so he gladly took the opportunity to sleep in a mansion and a real bed, whenever George offered him to stay.</p><p>The old man didn't sleep with him. That was not what he was after. For George all that counted was talking and sometimes a kiss. But he was always careful not to make Brian feel uncomfortable. The first time he had paid for a kiss, he had asked several times if it was really okay. It had been a little bit annoying, but also sweet and Brian had grown a liking to George. In a way he felt bad for the man. Sometimes Brian prayed at night, that George would some day find the strength to come out of the closet. And he prayed, that he would then find someone who would truly love him. True love was different than bought love, but Brian tried his best to make George happy. Even though he could not give him true love, he could give him true care.</p><p>Today had been another one of those days George had bought him. They had talked for hours and Brian had even sung a song for him. Then George had offered him to stay the night, but even though he enjoyed sleeping in a real bed, Brian knew that today he couldn't. Right now he was way to close to withdrawal. He needed to head to his dealer to get his fix. So Brian gently shook his head: "Not today darling. But you know where to find me.", he said with a smile, then stood up. George had paid him quite a lot again. Brian was holding $350 dollars in his hand and that was more, than George would have needed to pay. Brian truly was his favorite. So it was not surprising, that the old man looked slightly sad, when he decided to leave. Still George lead Brian towards the mansions door. He always did, because he liked to look at him, even as he left. As Brian stepped outside George even waved after him for a while. Only when he had nearly reached the gate did he call out: "Be safe! See you soon."  Brian smiled warmly as he heard in those words how much the old man liked him. It was really sweet and made him raise a hand above his head in a means to say good bye. He kept it raised until he heard the door close behind him.</p><p>When it did Brian sighed letting the tension fall off of his body. Now George couldn't see him, he didn't need to pretend to be fine anymore. He was anything but, he could feel shivers coming up. So far he still had some self-control left, but he didn't know how long he could keep it up. With determination he made his way through the gate and pulled the phone from his pocket. He had to send his dealer a text, he needed some H, quickly. While he typed as fast as he could, he continued his way through this night in December. Soon he would get his next fix.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 2001 - Nick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was an ordinary night in December. The full-moon did its best to shine brighter than the lights of Los Angeles. It truly never had the power to do so, because the moons light wasn't its own. The light that white orb reflected was just borrowed by the sun, which was so far away. In winter nights like these it seemed even further off in the distance. Here in California it never became truly cold, but it was evident that summer had long passed. A fresh breeze was playing across the neat lawns decorating the entrances to so many millionaire mansions. Nick was out tonight. There was a movie playing in cinema, that he really liked. The movie called 'Lord Of The Rings' was based on a book and it was different to anything, that he had seen before it. He had been to the movie twice before, but it was so good, that he wanted to see it another time. The cinema wasn't that far away either, so he had decided to take the bike. Since Nicks mansion was situated pretty high in the hills, that meant that on his way there he could just let it roll. Of course that also meant, that the way back up would be exhausting, but that was a thought for later.</p><p>For now he was enjoying the wind playing with his hair as he drove past the buildings that belonged to his neighbours. Nick barely knew any of them. It was not like he didn't care, there was just rarely any time to get to know them. Most of the time he was out on tour. And even if he was at home, the people that lived close-by were just as busy as him. It was normal not to meet any person outside in the neighbourhood for months. So Nick was actually surprised when he saw someone stand on the sidewalk. He had seen him from far away as he came through a gate leading to a property with a building on it, that was large even for this part of town. Strange. Nick could have sworn, that the villa belonged to an older man. This guy did seem rather young. As Nick rolled closer he found himself examining that guy, who somehow managed to catch his attention. He didn't fit here. His clothes were anything but fancy, he was way too thin and his hair seemed messy as well. And yet those locks caught his attention. It was bleached blonde, but even though the colour was off it was curly just like Brians. Interestingly that guy had the same height as Brian, too. Nick couldn't help but sigh about the fact, that even a random stranger still could remind him about his ex-boyfriend. Once again another sign for the fact, that he never could forget about his true love, no matter how hard he tried. And yet despite the fact, that the man brought up such memories Nick couldn't pull his eyes away. He just had to look at him. And as Nick finally rolled up behind the smaller man, he raised his voice: "Hey nice fresh evening tonight, eh?", he called out and stopped his bike.</p><p>What happened next made Nick freeze on the spot. As the man with the curls turned around it was as if time stood still. Nick couldn't stop his mouth from falling open in surprise and shock. That jawline, those eyes, everything about that face. It had become a little bit gaunt, but there was no doubt, that this face was Brians. When their eyes met they both gasped. "Brian!", Nick was the first to find his voice again, but he didn't have any words. What did you say to a person you hadn't seen in a few years? What did you say to a person you still loved? He had never expected to meet him again and now he was standing right there. The longer Nick looked at Brian, the more worried he became. His Frick had lost a lot of weight. He wasn't skeletal thin, but he did not really look healthy either. Those rosy cheek he once had they were now pale. The sweater he wore was way too large for him, the sleeves much too long and had it not been for checker-patterned belt he wore, Brians jeans pants would have dropped to the ground. Still even though Brian was thin, Nick couldn't deny how pretty his former lover still looked. The way he stood here now had something ethereal. He looked a bit like those elves of middle-earth. </p><p>Suddenly Brian spun around again. Before he even started to move Nick knew he was about to run. A second later the smaller man threw one leg in front of the other as he started to hurry down the hill. "Hey! No, stop! Brian!", Nick called after him, he couldn't allow him to go. He didn't know why, but all of his instincts kicked in. As Brian was continuing to run Nick kicked the pedals of his bike. It didn't take long to overtake Frick, who seemed to be panicking. With a swift motion Nick threw his bike around to block Brians path. When the older man had to stop because of that, he looked him in the eyes: "Stop running Bri! You can't outrun a bike.", that logical statement was the first thing that came to his mind. For a moment it seemed like Brian was thinking about a way to escape this, but when he turned his eyes to the ground and allowed his shoulders to drop Nick knew he had won. Slowly he moved off his bike and let it drop to the ground before he approached the person he had once called his angel. Nick had the urge to hug Brian, but memories of the way they parted stopped him from doing so. He stopped his steps when he was an arm-length away from Brian, just enough to reach out to him if he tried to run again. That didn't happen though. Instead of running away, his Frick decided to lift his head again to look into his eyes. There was something challenging in there when he raised his voice: "What are you doing here Nick?", it somehow sounded annoyed and Nick huffed lightly: "I could ask you the same thing. I live here a few houses up the hill. What about you?" Even though Brian seemed a little bit hostile Nick tried to be as friendly as he could, he even gave Brian a smile. "I.... I-I was just... visiting someone.", as his ex-boyfriend stuttered like that Nick raised one eyebrow. Something was off and the way the smaller man started to shiver a moment later only confirmed his suspicion. "Visiting, eh? Who were you visiting?", Nick frowned as he spoke those words. Brian couldn't lie, not to him, he knew him so well, he could tell something was wrong. It was even more obvious when it all of a sudden seemed like Brian was getting even smaller, as he ducked his head. He was ashamed about something, Nick could see that. "Nick, just leave it be.", he was pleading with him. As he did he seemed all nervous and he was tugging at the arm of the sweater he was wearing. When another shudder ran through Brians body Nick gasped. An intuition had shot into his head. That thin body, the pale complexion, him shivering, that tugging on the sweater. Anger flamed up inside of him and found a way to his face. It couldn't be true. He had to make sure it wasn't. With a swift motion he closed the gap between him and Brian and grabbed the wrist of his left arm. His Frick immediately tried to pull away from him, but if Nick wanted to he could have a pretty firm grip. Right now he wanted to. A moment later he pulled up the sleeve of Brians sweater.</p><p>"No, Nick!", his ex-lover tried to protest, but it was too late. What he saw as he moved the cloth away from Brians lower arm was enough to confirm his suspicion. In shock Nick let go of Brian, the frown still on his face. It stung to see it. That arm was full of injection-scars. His Frick started to sob as another shiver ran through his body. "Nick, please let me explain.", his begging it was too much. That man he had once known to be so strong, so protective, perfect and unbreakable, there he was a picture of misery. It hurt so much to see him like that. What had happened to push him towards drugs? What explaining was there to do? How could he do that to himself? How could he just throw his life away? As he thought about it the anger flamed up again and made him raise his voice quite a bit louder than needed. "What do you want to explain Brian? That you are a junkie? That you are throwing your life away? What is it, huh? Meth, Cocaine, Heroin? Tell me Brian!", Nick was staring him down and it seemed as if Brian kept shrinking smaller and smaller. His voice was very low when he answered: "I... it's Heroin...", Brian sighed and Nick stayed silent to let him continue his sentence, "You need to let me go Nick, I need to get my shot... else it will be bad." It was a pitiful display by the man he still loved. If Brian had fallen to his knees to beg now, it would not have surprised him. Heroin. That was one of the worst things he could have said. Nick felt overwhelmed by that new information. What should he do? All that came to his mind was more shouting and then he just let it out: "Are you out of your mind? Heroin is bad stuff it'll kill you.", Brian wanted to lower his head but Nick grabbed it on both sides and forced him to look into his eyes, "What happened to you? And... what are you doing here?", he looked towards the mansion his Frick had come from, "Is that where your dealer lives? I swear I'm going to kill him!", he couldn't help a growl escaping from his throat, but Brian energetically shook his head: "No it's not! He only gives me money... I need money."</p><p>Silence. Once again Nick was shocked as he stared at his former band-mate. Piece for piece everything started to make sense. But the revelation he got was anything but pretty. "He gives you money? What does he give you money for? Be honest Brian. I know when you are not telling the truth, you know that.",while his anger didn't fade Nick felt how it mixed up with the sadness that now grabbed him. He could guess what was going on, he didn't even need Brians answer, but he didn't want to accept it. It hurt too much to do so. But then Brian raised his voice again: "He pays me for company, Nick.", there it was the truth and Nick hated the fact that it had been spoken. It couldn't be true, he didn't want it to be, but it was. And Brian was not even done speaking yet. Nick noticed how his eyes were flaring up in anger, before he started to shout, where before he had just spoken: "What do you want me to say Nick? You left me. Then there was AJ, he was there for a while, but then he left as well. I was so fucking lonely. You didn't even write me once! I thought you loved me and you stayed silent. H was there though. H never left me alone. It never will...", he growled and Nick frowned again Those words they hurt but they also made his anger rise again. He wanted to interject, but Brian wasn't done: "And somehow I have to make the money to pay for it, don't I? Men pay you well if you give them what they want. Don't dare to judge me, you aren't in my position." Brian pointed a finger at him, but Nicks fuse was about to blow, so he grabbed for the wrist of the smaller mans arm that was just pointing at him. Then he pulled himself closer to Brian until their faces were mere millimeters away from each other as he responded in the same volume Brian had used: "Don't you blame me for the decisions you made. You were the one that threw me out and you were the one that didn't write. I didn't think it was my right to do it after YOU ended our relationship. And still. All of that is no excuse for taking drugs. I can't believe it.", he shook his head before he addressed the part that was really painful, "And I'm not judging you, but it hurts. To find out that the man I love is selling his body just so he can buy some drugs, what do you think how that makes me feel?" With the last word the last bit of anger had left them. Both Nick and Brian were left with sadness, when rage was gone. The sheer size of Fricks tragedy was hanging over their head, destroying their spirits. When Brian sobbed again and started to cry, Nick couldn't take the tension anymore. After a moment of hesitation he let go of Brians wrist to instead put his arms tight around him. "I'm so sorry...", he heard the smaller mans muffled whimpers against his chest. In response Nick just pulled him tighter. "It's alright Bri. I'm here now. We can get you through this.", he put a single kiss on Brians forehead, but Brian only started to sob more when his body was shivering again. "It's not so easy, Nick. I need my fix... and I need it now. Please, you have to understand me. If I don't get it I will get aggressive and sick. I need my heroin.", he was still speaking against his chest, but he had turned his head lightly so Nick could hear him better. </p><p>The situation was tricky. Nick didn't know much about drugs, but he had read about how bad withdrawal symptoms could be, they could even lead to death. He didn't like the idea, but until they found a way to treat Brian properly getting his fix was inevitable. "Alright Brian, I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you get your fix this one time, but only if you promise, that afterwards you will try your best to get away from it." - "I promise.", Brian didn't hesitate to give an answer, but Nick knew that he was controlled by his addiction. He hoped his words were true, but he couldn't be sure.</p><p>"So... I'm supposed to meet my dealer at the gas station down there...", Brian explained pulling away from the hug to point down to the building he described. It wasn't that far away, closer even than the cinema Nick had wanted to visit. They could already see the place from their elevated point. "Okay get on my bike!", Nick suggested and walked over to the vehicle he had dropped on the ground. When he lifted it up he patted the area behind the seat. "C'mon Bri... you take the back. You can hold unto me.", he winked lightly. If things would have been different he would have flirted more aggressively. He truly missed Brian. He was like the one person god had made for him. There was no doubt in his mind, that he still was the one, but right now he had so many problems. Nick couldn't believe there was any room left for love. And even if he would not have had those problems, Nick wasn't sure if Brian would have felt the same way. Still it had felt good to hug him and as he took the seat on his bike and Brian sat down behind him it felt even better.</p><p>-</p><p>It was so strange. An hour ago he had still been talking to George and now he was sitting down behind Nick. Of all people he could have met this December night it had to be the one person he had ever loved. Things were strange like this sometimes. When Nick started to push into the pedals,  Brian put his arms around his waist. It felt so good. It was only meant to hold himself onto the bike, but it felt like so much more. He couldn't even remember the last time he touched a man without getting paid and now he was holding onto someone special. How he had missed that warmth that rushed through his body when he pulled closer to Nick and laid his head against the taller blondes back. "Thank you Nick...", he mumbled and closed his eyes wanting to cherish the moment, so he would not forget it ever. Breathing in deeply he noticed how good his Frack smelled. So fresh and sweet like a night in spring. Like a cherry-blossom that had missed its season. Another memory for his collection. Too bad that their ride wouldn't last forever. If he could have had the choice, he would have stayed like this forever, just dreaming. But his addiction soon came back. Scratching its way out of the depths of his emotions, destroying any comfort he felt. Ripping apart the beauty that was being with Nick. Brian sighed as the shivers came back, this time to stay until he got the fix. Luckily that wasn't far away.</p><p>As Nick came to a halt only a few meters away from the gas-station Brian opened his eyes and stood up in one swift motion. Before Nick could say or do anything he was running towards the back of the building, leaving Nick standing where he was. Quickly Brian grabbed the $350 George had given him from his jeans pocket, even before he saw the man he was looking for. When he did he hurried over to him. "Gimme as much stuff as you possible can for this. Should be seven bags?", he said in a hushed voice as he stopped his steps in front of the hooded man. It was the same guy he had already frequented with AJ. By now Brian knew him quite well and he was at least sure that the stuff he sold was good. If he had needed to go to another dealer things could have turned out badly, so he stayed with this dark-haired man. He had never given him a name, but he didn't need that from him either. The thing he needed from the dealer were the packs that he gave him in the same motion as he took the money. Silently as usual he nodded when the trading was done. There was not much that needed to be said, the deal was done and the guy started to leave. Brian let himself drop to the ground immediately fishing for the leather bag he was carrying in his jeans pocket. A second later he had the bag open. It contained everything he needed to prepare the drug, including a spoon and a needle. While he was starting to do his thing Nick caught up to him, pushing his bike around the corner towards where Brian was sitting.</p><p>Brian noticed how worried Fracks expression was when he was looking down onto him, but he didn't say a word. He couldn't think about Nick now when he was about to use his heroin. If he wanted to watch so dearly he could. As long as he allowed him continue. Brian ignored Nicks sigh when he finally pulled the drug up into the injection. He also ignored him wincing when he shot the stuff up his veins. If he had not wanted to see it, he should not have come along. Since he did, he might as well take it. </p><p>When the drug started pumping through his veins Brian felt an immediate rush of comfort come over him. It was like being hugged by a thousand people. Suddenly he felt loved and strong, happy and without worries. His wonderful drug had given him pleasure once again and Brian thanked it for that, smiling warmly to himself. For a moment he even forgot about Nick being here, just being with that wave of heroin pleasure. "So, you good now?", only as Frack spoke did he remember who brought him here. Brian looked up towards the tall blonde and stood up from the ground. "Yeah, I feel good.", he smiled widely, but he saw the skeptical expression Nick gave him. Brian ignored it. "Well then I want you to come with me to my place. Or I come along to your place. You still staying in Downtown?", his Frack was determined not to leave him alone, it was kind of cute. Brian didn't care, he didn't care about anything right now. If he wanted to help him he might as well just do it. "I lost the place... living in a shack now. Don't think that's your kinda place. You're a pop-star.", Brian grinned then walked up closer to Nick looking up into his eyes, "I heard you sing, you know? It's Gonna Be Me... you sound so good." he complimented just telling the truth about what he felt. Still his Frack looked somewhat unhappy. He frowned, then sighed before he spoke on: "Well... let's go to my place then. Okay?"the worried look was still resting on the tall blondes face, when he spoke on. Brian shrugged. It didn't matter to him where he slept, so after a moment he just sat back down onto the bike: "Okay let's go.", before falling silent again. This world was too beautiful to worry too much about things. The H made him feel good. And so he started to hum a melody as Nick kicked the pedals of his bike again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 2001 - Nick II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Desperation and pain were cruel and unforgiving companions. When Nick had realized Brian was an addict it had hurt him, but seeing him actually inject heroin twisted a tight rope around his heart. The way he did take the substance greedy and longing, while pretending Nick wasn't there, it was was shocking. For the longest time Nick had been everything for Brian, now that spot was taken by something that didn't even breath. And after he had taken it Fricks demeanor had changed completely. He had become way too calm and careless. He was acting as if nothing mattered, when all this mattered so much. Heroin was destroying the man Nick loved right in front of his eyes. It was so frustrating, too. He wasn't sure how he could fight the drug.</p><p>When Brian sat down on the back of the bike, Nick took his seat as well. His worries and fears silenced him. While Brian was humming, seemingly so happy and unaware of all his problems, Nick started to cry. The tears were silent and while they were produced by sadness Nick felt mostly anger and frustration. He frowned as he kicked into the pedals and started to ascend the hill. It was exhausting and especially difficult with Brian sitting behind him, but Nick didn't stop for a second. Those dark emotions he felt were pushing him forward. They filled him up with such energetic rage, that he simply couldn't stop. Corner after corner he made his way up the hill, while his hurting heart started to accelerate. By the time he reached his mansion he could feel it beating up to his throat. He was breathing heavily and exhausted, while his eyes were burning from way too many tears. As he stepped off the vehicle he bend slightly forward and gasped deeply. "Nice place!", Brian exclaimed and it was obvious, that he had not even noticed Nicks mood. That was another thing the drug destroyed. Usually Frick always knew what Frack was feeling just out of instinct, but the drug cut that connection. It didn't seem as if he even cared. When Nick turned to him and revealed his tear-stained face nothing about Brians behavior changed. He was still smiling a distant smile as he walked past him towards the mansions entrance. Nick sighed since it hurt a lot to have his love that way, but he also was glad that he had come along. He did not want to think about all the things that could have happened if he didn't.</p><p> When Nick opened the door Brian was the first one to enter. He started walking down the hallway without even knowing where it lead. "Welcome home, Bri.", Nick muttered nearly inaudible as he stepped in after him. Soon Brian reached the first door, the one that lead to the living room. He stopped. As Nick could see him reaching out for the door-handle he made a few quick steps forward to grab him by the shoulder. "Nope Bri, you better head upstairs to the guestrooms. You should sleep!", he spoke with a firm voice. The way that drug made his Frick be, Nick doubted that he could have a proper conversation with him while he was on it. Sleeping was the method to get him clean. For a moment Brian hesitated, but then he let go of the door and shrugged. "It's late, I guess.", he mumbled with that ever present distant smile. A moment later he started walking again heading towards the stairs that were located at the end of the hall. Nick followed right behind him. </p><p>"First door to the right!", Nick guided him and Brian followed his instructions. Slowly they stepped through the door. As they entered the guest room the smaller man pushed forward. Nick was still right behind him and only stopped walking when Brian sat down on the side of the bed. The taller blonde watched his Frick quickly slip out of his shoes. As he was done removing them, he laid down sideways and stared at him. When their eyes met Nick was shocked about how distant they looked and there was something else in them that he couldn't quite place. It scared him. His Frick however did only smirk, before he raised his voice: "So you gonna let me sleep or you want something more? I can tell you what you have to pay for my services." As Brian said those words and then started to lick his lips trying to seduce him, Nick felt as if someone had punched him right in the stomach. He once had loved to kiss Brian, but he had never paid for it. Was this what Brian thought? That he was just another client, who wanted to buy sex from him? How could he think that way about him? Had he forgotten all the feelings they once had shared? Nick didn't know what to say as the rope he felt around his heart twisted tighter once more. Only as Brian turned over to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling Nick managed to press out a quick "Good night!", before fleeing from the room. </p><p>Whoever that man laying in his guestroom was, it wasn't his Brian. And as new tears found their way into his eyes Nick headed off towards his own room.</p><p>- </p><p>
  <b>2 hours later:</b>
</p><p>With a sudden gasp for breath Brian sat up straight in the bed. Once again there had been this nightmare haunting his dreams. Those last few weeks it had happened quite a lot and it always was the same dream, too. It had him locked in a room with no exits except for one hole in the ceiling. For a moment there always was hope, but that hole provided no means to escape. Instead it was where sand started to pour into the room. It was pouring and pouring until Brian couldn't breath anymore. That was when he always woke up.</p><p>Confusion took a hold of him, when in the first few moments he had a hard time making out where he was. This wasn't his shack, the room was fancy and the bed too soft, but this wasn't Georges place either. This place was new. He had not been here before and it smelled like someone he remembered. Nick. When that name came to his mind, the memories suddenly came back as well: the bike, the dealer, the heroin-high. Nick had brought him here. It had not been a dream, his ex-boyfriend truly had found him. For a moment Brian couldn't help but smile when he remembered how good it had felt to be close to his love again, but that memory didn't last long. As soon as he could think straight again his worries came back. Now that his high was gone all that was left were sorrows. He couldn't stay here. Nick was too kind, Brian couldn't use him like that. That would simply not be fair to him. As much as Brian would have enjoyed to stay, he just loved Nick too much. He couldn't put all his problems upon the younger mans shoulders. He had to flee.</p><p>So without hesitation Brian turned around and grabbed his shoes. It didn't take long to slip into them and a moment later Brian had already made his way out of the room. Soon he would be outside under the pale moon. As fast as he could while being silent he hurried downstairs towards the front door. Already he wanted to release a sigh of relief, but when he pushed down on the doors handle it didn't budge. Quickly the realization hit him. Nick had locked the door. There was no way to open it without the key and Brian had no doubt about where to find it. He had to get to Nicks room.</p><p>Taking a deep breath Brian started to slowly creep back on the way he came. Step for step he sneaked up the stairs, listening to any sounds that could have alerted him about Nicks presence. Alas there were none, the walls and doors were thick enough to keep any sounds from escaping the respective rooms they protected. And yet when Brian reached the top of the stairs, he noticed something that made it easy to determine where his love was sleeping. One of the doors was different from the others. One of them was holding a sign that told the reader to 'Keep Out'. It was the kind of sign you expected to find on the door to a teenagers room, but it was also typically Nick.<br/>
A smile appeared on Brians face as he approached that door. Slowly and careful to be silent he opened and pushed through it.</p><p>The room he entered wasn't as dark as he had expected. The lights were out, but the curtains were open and the moon was shining bright into the window. The white orb gave him enough light to make out the shapes he needed to see. The room was rather large: left of the door was an area with couches, consoles and a television and right of the door was a huge bed. As Brian examined that bed he noticed Nick laying sideways on it, his back turned towards him. He looked so peaceful while he was sleeping, he always had and he was beautiful. For a moment he just stared at him, but then he remembered why he was here. He needed to find the key and so he stepped deeper into the room. Where could he have put it? Brian walked closer towards one of the nightstands, since that was his first assumption. He was about to open one of the drawers, when something stopped him in that motion. There was a sound coming from Nick, that he had not expected to hear. After listening for a moment it became clear as day. Nick was sobbing. His love was... crying. When Brian heard that sound it felt as if someone was ripping his heart out. He hated it. Why was he sad? It wasn't supposed to be that way. Nick had to be happy, smiling, shining. Before he knew what he was doing Brian found himself letting go of the drawer. Instead he crawled into Nicks bed until he was laying next to him. In a swift motion he put his arms around his Frack and pulled him closer. </p><p>It had not been the first time he had hold Nick like that, but it had been years since the last time it happened. As the younger man felt the touch his body stiffened. Nick had not expected him. "Don't cry Frack...", Brian whispered into his ear and nuzzled his head up against his neck. Only then the tension slowly started to fall off of Nicks shoulders. He still sounded surprised though when he responded: "Brian?", and he looked it, too. Brian could see that in the moonlight when Nick turned around in his arms. For a moment Brian just looked at his Frack in silence, then he moved his hand to push a strand of golden hair out of his face. He had grown it longer again. "I hate it when you cry.", Brian protested and looked into those eyes, that he could just make out in the moonlight. For a moment Nick didn't say a thing, but after taking a deep breath he muttered in a low voice: "I know...", but then he sighed, "I can't help it though. I am scared Bri. Scared for you.", and as the tall blonde spoke those words he inched closer to Brian putting his head up right against his shoulder. The words hit hard. It was not what they said, but more the fact, that Brian didn't know anything he could say to make his Frack feel better. Things were too difficult to reassure him they would eventually be fine. Brian wasn't sure if they ever would be. After the silence gave Nick enough time to think he raised his voice again: "Why are you here Brian?", he sounded skeptical and by the mildly angered tone of his voice Brian noticed that he already knew the answer. So he said nothing and allowed Nick to speak on instead: "You wanted to run away, didn't you? Get the key and leave?", and then there were tears running down Fracks cheek again. Brian quickly reached a hand out to wipe them away. He shouldn't cry, he wasn't supposed to. Brian sighed, before speaking: "It's better that way Nick, I don't want to be a bother to you. These problems I have, they aren't easy to solve." - "I know they aren't but I will still help you. I can't let you go. I would never forgive myself if I did.", Nick sobbed and paused for a moment before he spoke on, "We will find a way... I will get you into a methadone program and you can live with me."</p><p>It was cute how caring his Frack was, but despite his enthusiasm Brian was still skeptical. He shook his head: "It wouldn't be right to push all my troubles onto you. I can't do that.", speaking those words he couldn't hold back on a deep sigh. Then something unexpected happened: Nick suddenly reached his arms around Brians waist and pulled him closer. Whenever he did so in the past Brian knew what he wanted, but right now Nick wasn't aroused, he was just holding him in place. "Like it or not, but I won't let you run away.", he was looking deep into his eyes. The moonlight was not bright enough that it could have given their pupils the right colour, but still he somehow felt like he was drowning in a sea. "I still love you, you know?", when Nick spoke those words Brian blushed deeply, he could feel it by the warmth gathering in his cheek. After all those years, his emotions for Nick hadn't changed and yet it surprised him that the other felt the same way. He had thought that by now Nick would have found someone better to love. Someone to make him happy. He wanted Nick to be happy before anything else. "I... do love you as well. But I wouldn't be good for you.", he gave him his honest thoughts. "Not the way I am now. You can't have a relationship with a junkie.", he didn't refer to himself as that often. But he trusted Nick, so he felt he could reveal his true self to him. "Well... I don't plan to let you be a junkie. Please Bri, just give me a chance!", as his Frack was pleading with him, Brian wondered what kind of chance he meant. A chance to help him or chance to be his boyfriend again? Either way, Brian had never been able to withstand Nicks begging. He still couldn't, so he leaned in to plant a single kiss on his Fracks cheek, which was still wet from the tears he had cried. As he raised his voice again, he spoke as gentle as he could: "Alright... I give you a chance to try and help me. I... just don't want to sleep at your place. It would feel as if I was using you. I love you, but I don't know if I can be your boyfriend right now. I can try, but...", Brian paused for a moment as he thought about how to put it best, "I can't promise anything. It's better if I sleep at my place for the beginning." When his words caused Nick to sob again Brian winced, "No, no please don't cry. I'm not saying we won't get back together again. I... you can get me every day and then we work on things. I just... can't make any promises. Okay?", it felt weird to speak about his issues like this. Until he had found Nick this sad Brian had not even planned on changing anything. He knew those drugs were dangerous, but he was just living for himself. If he died he at least died while being on an amazing high. But seeing the guy he loved being so sad, just because of his addiction, changed the way he thought. Perhaps dying young was too much of a risk after all. It became clear to him, that he would break Nicks heart if he took no care of his own life. He couldn't do that.</p><p>"Okay...", his Frack finally spoke, "If you really don't want to sleep here I can't force you. But...", and he tried to find his eyes again, "I will bring you home and I will get you back here right in the morning. We will find you a spot in a methadone program and we will get you on the right path again.", as Nick detailed his plans Brian examined him. He couldn't really see his expression, but he could hear from the tone of his voice how certain his love was. Could it really be this easy? Brian doubted it, but he was willing to try, if it stopped Nick from being sad, so he nodded: "Alright.", was all he said then he moved out of the bed, reluctantly parting from the taller blonde, "Bring me home then.", and as he stood at the side of the bed he eyed Nick expectantly.</p><p>-</p><p>
  <b>30mins later:</b>
</p><p>"THIS is where you live?", Brian ducked his head a little as he heard the judgemental and shocked tone of Nicks voice, when they entered his shack. His Frack had parked the car a few corners away and they had made the last meters on foot. His shack was there as usual, right next to a few abandoned rail-tracks. In the past it had probably been used as some kind of tool shack, but now it had been empty until Brian had found it. The entrance was closed by a big sheet of metal. It was not really secure, because you could just push it away, but it at least kept the cold outside. Inside were all the belongings he had left: a blanket, a backpack, a cushion, a few cans of food, a bottle of water and the tiny book, where he listed all of his clients.  "Yes, this is home.", Brian finally answered Nicks question in a small voice. His love seemed so shocked about this, he could read it in his expression. "When you said shack I thought it was actually a place you rented. I didn't know you were living on the streets.", his Frack spoke then paused as he turned around to face him, "Brian, you know I can't let you stay here!", he said and shook his head. "Yes, that is exactly what you CAN do. I won't sleep at your place and you said it yourself you can't force me to.", Brian could be pretty stubborn if he wanted to be and Nick noticed how determined he was to stay here. With a sigh the tall blonde gave up on protesting, knowing perfectly well he couldn't change Brians mind now. "Alright but I'm gonna get you right in the morning!", Nick spoke and stared him down. All Brian could do was nod. Just like he wouldn't budge about sleeping here, his Frack wouldn't if it came to picking him up in the morning. It made no sense to fight about it. "Good, we will get you on the right track again, don't you worry!", there was a hope in Nicks voice, that Brian had long since lost. It was quite contagious, but he was wondering: "What do you mean with getting me on the right track? I mean yeah you mentioned the methadone program, but that's not all is it?", Brian looked into Nicks eyes when he asked that question and the taller blonde smiled in response: "Well you can still sing, can't you?", Brian nodded at Nicks question, who then spoke on: "So... I have a studio and everything. We will record an album together. You and me, some songs we sing together and others we sing solo." So that was the plan? Music? Brian had long given up on dreaming to ever become a successful musician again. The last time he had used his musical talent to make money, he had not really earned that much. However an album was something else, than playing his guitar, which since then he had sold, in a subway station. Perhaps the idea wasn't so bad. It would give him a chance to make things right and most of all it would give him something to do. As an enthusiastic smile found its way onto Nicks lips, Brian responded with a warm one on his own: "Sounds great. Yeah let's try that.", he nodded then walked towards the spot he was sleeping at.</p><p>Brian felt those blue eyes resting upon him, when he crawled beneath his blanket. "I want to sleep now, Nick. I'll be here tomorrow still, okay?", he addressed his Frack, hinting him to leave. For a moment the tall blonde hesitated. It was obvious he wasn't fully satisfied with the idea of letting him stay here. But after he had looked around in the room again he turned towards the front door. "Good night Brian.", he breathed his good bye. It was hard for him to let go and before he pushed the metal sheet back in front of the door he gifted Brian another warm smile, but then he was gone. </p><p>When the door was closed and the sound of Nicks steps had vanished Brian sighed. Why was everything in his life always this difficult? And when he thought about it he remembered, that it had been him who had pushed Nick away. If he had just given him another chance, perhaps things would have turned out different then. Had he forgiven his Frack, he never would have had a reason to go out partying with AJ. Then he would have never come in contact with drugs either. It didn't make sense to dwell on things that could have been though. Things were as they were. He was an addict and now that Nick was gone, he didn't need to hold back on it anymore. Slowly he pushed his blanket away, then he reached for his backpack. One of his most important possessions it contained not only his clothes but also the pack of syringes he had acquired a few days ago. He needed another shot, another high. And so he pulled one of the heroin packs he had bought out of his jeans pocket. And so he started to prepare the heroin. And so he injected it. Finally he felt complete again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. 2001 & 2002 - The Album</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Was Music really able to heal souls? Was it able to heal Brians soul? Nick wondered about these things a lot. He couldn't imagine how much it must have hurt his Frick when he had started to sell his body. The smaller man had always been proud and strong. That pride most certainly must have been hurt, when he became a prostitute. Nick didn't dare to ask how it began, he was too worried it might open any wounds and right now he mostly wanted Brian to forget about it. That had been one reason, why he took him into his studio to begin with. One of quite a few. Another one was the simple fact, that he had missed that voice. He would have never admitted it in the past, but for Nick Brian always did have the best voice of BSB. When he thought about it he realized that for him his Frick did also have a better voice than anybody in NSync and even anybody at all. He just loved the way he sounded, it was so soft and it carried deep emotions, something he had always struggled with himself. It had been part of what made him fall in love with Brian to begin with. </p><p>The day they first met Nick had already been struck by how attractive that then 18 year old man from Kentucky had been. When Kevin had said he would bring his cousin, he had imagined him to look way different a lot more like his oldest bandmate. It had been quite a shock when he finally came. He looked anything but like Kevin. That curly hair, he wore styled up in those days, the chiseled features of his face, that always made him look a bit too young and those blue eyes so shining and deep not unlike his own. Nick had been fascinated already by just looking at him and then he sang. Goosebumps had run all over his body, because the tone of Brians voice had just been that ethereal, angelic and sweet. The song was so fitting, too. Hallelujah originally performed by Leonard Cohen, it sounded like a whole different song as it left Brians lips. It had been so beautiful. </p><p>Yes, Nick had fallen in love with that voice on the very first day and it wasn't fair, that the world didn't know about it. It had to. And that was what had given him the idea to record an album with his Frick. He wanted to show that voice to the world again. Additionally singing gave the smaller man something to do, that wasn't taking drugs or selling his body. Nick understood how empty life had probably felt for Brian. It was his instinct of understanding Frick. He always had possessed it, but never had the emotions he felt radiating from the other been so dark. When they had first met again it shocked him to realize, that Brian had lost all of his reasons to keep on living. Nick wanted to give them back to him. It started with the music, but eventually he wanted to fill his soul up with the love he felt. Perhaps it would give Brian the strength he needed.</p><p>If music really had the power to heal the soul he had to give it a try, because Brians soul needed some healing. So they had started to record a few songs. They didn't need to write them, they already had throughout the years. Now was the moment, they could finally put them together. Nick wanted to include as many of their own songs on their record as possible, but there was one exception. Perhaps the idea had only been driven by the memory of the first time they met, but Nick wanted to have Brian record Hallelujah. That of course meant, he had to acquire the rights to that song. It had seemed way more difficult, than it actually was. One call to his record company and they had done all they had needed. It made him smile, because he knew that Brian loved that song. He hadn't revealed it to him right away, that they were going to sing it. He had waited for the right moment: Christmas. </p><p>That day had always been special to them. They both believed in god and Jesus, Brian even more so than him and Christmas was the most beautiful holiday they could imagine. On the 24th they had prepared everything, the candles, the wreaths and the Christmas-tree. They had even baked cookies, a memory that made Nick smile. He still could remember the heart-felt laugh of Brian, when Nick had somehow managed to get himself covered in flour. 'You look like a snowman!', his Frick had exclaimed before falling into laughter. It felt so good to hear it, he hadn't in a while. At that moment he swore to himself, that he would make Brian laugh again. He never wanted to see him sad again, he had been through too much darkness in his life. Now there had to be light and he wanted to give that to him.</p><p>The next day early on the 25th he had picked Brian up from his place. The older man had been somewhat nervous. "I haven't celebrated Christmas last year.", his Frick had confessed looking half-way through the ground. Nick knew that he was worried, that this made him a bad christian. It made him shake his head: "Don't worry, god knows about your struggles. He will understand!", he had tried to calm him down, but even though Brian smiled, Nick knew he was still worrying. There was nothing he could do about that, his love took those things way too serious. However, even though he couldn't chase away his thoughts about being a bad christian, he still could distract him from it. He knew the present he had prepared had the power to do that.</p><p>Excitement filled his heart, when they finally had made it home and he pushed Brian quite a bit to hurry until they reached the living room. He felt so happy as he saw his Frick smile, fascinated by the lights on the tree, kind of like a child. Brian was glowing in happiness, before he even had received his present and Nick loved it. For a while he just allowed the older man to enjoy the tranquility, but when he thought the right moment had come he pulled an envelope out of one of the close-by drawers. "Look Santa left something for you!", Nick announced and stepped over to Brian, who gasped as he took it. He looked at it in shock and suddenly seemed ashamed: "But Nick I don't have anything for you.", Brian spoke, but Nick shook his head before he responded, "Don't worry about it Bri. You being here smiling, that is all the gift I need.", it was true, he didn't want any more, because it made him truly happy. Brian blushed and Nick stepped closer to him, he had to use that chance: "Because I love you.", he said and as the smaller man looked up again he leaned down to give him a gentle kiss. This was also his present. He had Brian back with him for a week now and they hadn't truly kissed. So now was the time. Gently he suckled on Brians lips, tugging on them, trying to entice him. His Frick was still blushed, but when he closed his eyes Nick knew he enjoyed it. It felt so good and Nick wanted more, but he wanted it from the Brian he knew, the one that took the lead. So he was patient, licking those lips and pulling on them, just trying to seduce his love. It worked. It did take a while, but finally it seemed like Brian couldn't take it anymore. Still holding the envelope in one hand he put the other on the back of Nicks head. He sunk his fingers into his hair, grabbed a fistful of it and then pulled him closer. "Nick...", he heard him speak under his breath, before Brian took what he wanted forcing his tongue into the taller mans mouth. There was definite passion in that kiss and Nick closed his eyes when their tongues met and started their dance. How he had missed that feeling. His Frick was such a great kisser, the sparks flying between them were evidence of that. He took his time too, exploring every nook and cranny of Nicks mouth before he pulled back with a mischievous grin on his face. "I love you too.", he finally responded in a tone so was so warm and true, that it created those tiny butterflies in his stomach, that he loved so much. Loving Brian was a tingling emotion, the best he had ever felt, he never wanted to miss it again.</p><p>"Open the envelope!", Nick demanded a little impatient. Maybe he was a little pushy, but he wanted to see those eyes light up yet again, he wanted to see that joy, he wanted Brian to be happy. As the smaller man noticed his impatience, he only giggled, but then complied with his request, opening his present to see what was inside. When he saw it Brian gasped and Nick smiled only brighter. "That's...", he started to speak, but Nick was the one to finish the sentence, "It's the rights to cover Leonard Cohens Hallelujah and... look below it!" Once again Brian did as he was told and as he saw the other gift his eyes filled with tears of happiness: "The One...", he spoke and Nick nodded, "I had to use all of my diplomatic skills to get Lou to give it to me.", he explained and noticed how Brian cringed lightly at the mention of that name, "I told him I met you and it's a Christmas present and I told him he had to think about god. I asked him what god would want him to do.", Nick explained with a smile. Brian couldn't hold back on the tears of happiness anymore and started to sob helplessly. Nick knew why he did it. That song meant so much, to both of them. Brian had written it just for him, so many years ago. Loosing it to Lou had been heartbreaking for him and now he had it back. Carried by a wave of emotions the smaller man kissed him again. Not as long this time, but just with as much love. As he did and Nick felt all that love inside of him he couldn't help but sigh happily into that kiss. When they parted Brian was still crying happy tears and Nick reached out a hand to wipe them away smiling. "Thank you...", Brian whispered as their eyes met and he carefully closed the envelope again.</p><p>That night they made love. It had been years since they did it, but it felt so right that day. Everything was perfect and right. When he gave himself to Brian, it was like an unspoken confirmation. They were a couple again, they didn't need to say it, because they felt it. And it was a wonderful feeling to belong to Brian again. To lay here below him, looking up into those sparkling eyes,  filled with love. For a second Nick was reminded of his worries as Brian removed his shirt and he saw how thin he had become, but as the smaller man continued his trail of kisses those sorrows were washed away by pleasure. His angel was still so good in everything he did. He felt like dough under his skilled hands.</p><p>A whimper of lust escaped his throat when Brian entered him that night. How had he missed that. And as he looked up into those blues, they mirrored the deep love and lust written in his own opals. "I love you...", Nick moaned as Brian thrusted, deeply enjoying to be ravaged. It hadn't changed, his Frick was still no gentle lover, but that was what they both loved. As he carried them to new heights, fucking Nick and rubbing his cock, he felt as if he was losing any grip he had on reality. Nick was in dreamland now, far away carried on by their love-making. When Brian came and shot his load into him, Nick couldn't hold back either. They were connected, their feelings, their emotions, their bodies, when his angel reached the highest point of pleasure, so did he. And what an amazing climax it was. It left him panting and it left Brians chest decorated with Nicks semen. As the younger man noticed that he couldn't help but giggle: "Dirty...", he said in a luring voice then gathered some of the stuff with his index finger, bringing it up to Brians lips. As his Frick licked it off, their gaze met again and the love for each other that they saw in their eyes filled both of them with happiness. In that moment Nick knew, that he would always belong to Brian, no matter how long they would be apart. It was meant to be that way.</p><p>-</p><p>What Nick didn't know, was that when he had fallen asleep that night Brian took his jeans and went into the bathroom. Despite how perfect the day had seemed, for Brian it was not. All his thoughts had been about this moment for hours. The moment when he took his drug again. While he loved Nick with all of his heart, he was still a junkie. They had tried to get him into a methadone program, but they hadn't gotten any response yet. He still needed heroin and it made him cry. How could he do that to Nick? How could he do that to himself? If he could have turned back time to before he took H he would have. But he could not. And so he had no other choice but to inject it. His whole body was shivering already when under tears he started to prepare the stuff. Only when the syringe finally entered his vein and he pressed down on it could he feel a wave of calmness rushing over his body.</p><p>-</p><p>
  <b>3 months later:</b>
</p><p>It was done. Finally the last verse had been recorded. All they had worked so hard for in these last months was done. Nick just needed to put all songs on the CD and then they needed to send it to the record companies. One of them had to take them and then they would create the CDs that were sold at the retailers. It all looked like a bright future, but Brian felt sad. Over the last weeks being with Nick every day to record music had become some kind of routine. It had been something he enjoyed doing. It felt so good to sing again, especially when they did their duets. Being around Nick always filled him with joy, but singing with him was even more exciting. It reminded him of a time, when they still had been the Backstreet Boys: AJ, Kevin, Howie, Nick and him. How he missed those times. The years he spent in that 'boyband' had been the best of his life. He missed it and while the three months with Nick had been a reminder of the past, he knew now the recording was done it would be over. </p><p>Nick had already told him, that he needed to get back on tour with NSync soon. He planned to take him along, but Brian couldn't imagine how that would work. Those people he was touring with, they all worked for Lou and there was no other man he had ever despised like him. Brian would never be able to forgive him for what he did to the Backstreet Boys. It was not as if Nick had forgiven him, but different to Brian, he was willing to bend. The wish to give his family a better life was still strong in his younger lover. Thanks to NSyncs success he had been able to do that over the last years. If he now rebelled against Lou things would take a turn for the worse. It hurt that his boyfriend worked for that guy, but different than all those years ago Brian now understood why he did it. Now he knew, that it didn't change anything about their love for one another, that had grown so strong again since December. </p><p>And yet he was worried. Now that their recording was done things would change. He didn't want that. All that happiness he had felt everyday he had been with Nick, he didn't want to miss it. Still there was no way around it and the realization of that fact made tears drop from his eyes as he was sitting on the studios couch. When his Frack noticed that he moved closer. It was obvious, that he hated to see him cry, but Brian knew he understood why, even before Nick spoke: "Hey Bri... this is not the end, you know?", he tried to cheer him up and sat down next to him. "I will still call you every day and when the album hits the market we will go on vacation together, okay?", the taller blonde nuzzled up against Brians neck. It were all gestures to make Brian feel better, but he simply couldn't. The way he saw things differed from Nicks: "You will be on tour soon Nick. I can't follow you there as much as you want me to, I can't.", Brian spoke and shook his head firmly as he sobbed. "But I will be back! Any time I have a chance I will travel back to LA.", Nicks response made Brian sigh deeply. Did he not understand, why he was so sad? "I don't know if I can make it without you. Nick, I'm scared!", Brian admitted what he was feeling even if it meant showing his vulnerabilities. He trusted Nick enough for that. His words caused the taller blonde to put his arms around him and pull him close, trying to give him protection. "Things will be fine Babe. Your methadone program starts in two weeks, you will see things will get way better then. And when I come back from tour we will celebrate.", there was so much hope and optimism in Nicks voice, but Brian had learned to be pessimistic. Most of the time, he found, things didn't turned out the way one wanted them to be. It was better to be skeptical, than to be hurt even more when things failed. Still he didn't want to disappoint Nick, so he wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to smile softly. It was hard, but he just managed and he was obviously good enough in pretending, that his lover bought it. "See that's it. Just a little hope.", his Frack said with a smile and gently nudged his shoulder. "I love you Brian and as long as I'm around I'll make sure that you will be fine.", he assured him shortly. Before Brian had the time to respond, the taller blonde stood up from the couch.</p><p>Curiously Brian eyed Nick, as he opened the door. "C'mon now It's time." For a moment Brian didn't know what he meant, but as he looked at the clock he gasped. It was already quite late. Nick wanted to bring him home. Part of him hated that idea, he rather would have stayed with his lover and cuddled up to him as long as he could. But the bigger part, his pride, kept him from sleeping at Nicks place all too often. Even though they were a couple again, he didn't want to abuse his generosity. That way of thinking was something that annoyed Nick greatly. He couldn't understand it and he was always sad when he needed to drive Brian back home. Right now it was no different. Brian could see the sadness in those blue eyes. Sadly the only way to take away that emotion from his Fracks face, was a way he couldn't walk. The only way he could have made him happy was Brian staying for night at the mansion. Since that was a no-go Brian didn't address it. Instead he walked over to Nick and gave him a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth. "I love you too.", he spoke in a soft voice, then pushed past Nick out of the studio. How Brian would miss him, when he was gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. 2002 - Lou</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Nick had left to tour with NSync, Brian had known things would be difficult. He knew that his drug intake would increase again when there was nobody to keep him in check. His fear had pushed him to beg. It had been useless and he knew he couldn't keep Nick here and yet he had to try something to make him stay: "Please don't go Nick.", he had begged him while they were still standing in his shack. Then he hugged him and pulled him close, holding onto him tightly. In his dreams he had Nick staying, quitting his band just to be with him. But deep inside Brian knew his Frack couldn't stay. There were duties he had to fulfill, obligations and there were people that counted on the tall blonde. And yet Brians stomach was aching: "Please stay and never leave me.", he had pleaded with Nick. He knew it was making things hard for his love, but things weren't easy for him either. It was not like he could blame Nick for it, but he was just so afraid of what could happen. "Brian.", Nick had tried to sooth him, looking into his eyes. He was sad too, those blues told all about the sadness he felt. The idea of being separated was like a dagger stuck in both of their hearts. "I will call you every day and I will write you even more SMS'. And I will think of you and be with you. Right here.", Nick had spoken then pointed at his heart, gently caressing him as he did.</p><p>Brian remembered those words. They were true, Nick was always inside of his heart. It was the one thing that he hold onto, even though things really got worse. There was nothing he could do about it. The drug still was in control, filling up his mind and his desires. It was a voice calling in his head. Taunting him and pulling him deeper into the swamp. While he had been with Nick, he had not been off the H, but he had attempted to take far less of it. It was the least he could do, he had promised him to try. But now that he was alone again he didn't need to hide anymore. Nick couldn't see him now, so he could take the stuff whenever he needed without feeling as guilty about it. There was still guilt of course, but it was much easier to forget about it when he didn't have to meet his Fracks eyes afterwards. Nevertheless Brian felt disappointed by his lack of willpower. He had thought by now he would be stronger. But the drug kept calling and its pull was so strong, that all his defenses were easily ripped apart. He cried about it and was ashamed, but in the end he still used his injections. There was a light on the horizon though: his methadone program, which included therapy was only a week away. Thinking about that gave him hope that things could change if he just tried hard enough. It was what gave him strength. </p><p>The other thing that kept him going were the messages Nick sent him all throughout the day. Messages filled with happiness and love. He told him everything that was happening on tour. He told him about the city he visited. The tour started on the West Coast in Las Vegas, not so far away from Los Angeles.</p><p>This morning Nick had written him how excited he was about being to a casino. He wrote, how much he had missed him and that he would have loved to take him out to dinner. As Brian read those texts after waking up, he couldn't help but smile. His Frack had always been the romantic one in their relationship and he could just imagine going to a fancy Italian restaurant with him. Dreaming of it made him release a longing sigh. He couldn't wait for Nick to be back. He responded by sending a simple "&lt;3" adding only two words "Miss You." and he smiled. While he could have been sad about missing Nick, he decided it was better to think positive. It was better to dream about the day they would meet again it was only two weeks away.  He would come back to Los Angeles the Monday after the one when Brian started therapy. What were two weeks? </p><p>Inside of his mind he could already see the day Nick would be back. How he would welcome him home, pull him close and kiss him. Those dreams brought a smile to his face as he started to prepare himself for the day. After he had cleaned himself up with water from his bottle, he reached for the clothes he wanted to put on. Slowly he brought the shirt up to his nose, smelling it lightly. He had washed it at Nicks place and its scent reminded him so much of his angel, that he released a content sigh. "Can't wait to have you back...", he mumbled to himself as he slipped into the shirt. Things would be good, he was so sure of that. How could he have known that things were about to change? How could he have known that someone he knew was approaching his shack?</p><p>He didn't, not until all of a sudden he heard a sound behind him. Someone was moving the metal sheet that closed his front door. As soon as he noticed the sound Brian jumped. He didn't know who it was, but he expected the worse. He was homeless, cops wouldn't treat him nice, nor would others that shared his fate. He took a defensive stance as he turned around to face the door. When he saw a familiar face, he felt as if a wave of coldness was hitting him. "Lou?", he asked shocked to see the man that had betrayed him and his friends so much. That guy, he had not changed much. He had grown older and perhaps there were a few more lines on his face, but besides of that, he still wore the huge glasses, the same bourgeois clothes and he still was immensely obese. What did he want here? As Brian examined him he noticed his expression. He didn't like it.</p><p>"Ah Brian, it has been a long time.", his words were friendly, but Brian still frowned as he stared him down. "What do you want?", Brian asked and instinctively made a few steps away from him as the older man entered his place. "Well, you see Brian. I heard a few things, you know?", Lou paused in his sentence and looked around in the shack before he spoke on, "Guess my sources were right, huh? Never would have guessed you would end up this way." Brian snarled as he heard him speak that way, he was no fan of that feigned care. "What is this about? Don't bullshit me Lou. I know that's what you like to do, but I'm not stupid.", Brian called out, but Lou grinned: "Are you not? I thought it was pretty stupid of you to sue me. You know how much money it cost me to make sure I came out of it unscathed?", Lou sighed in a theatrical fashion and stepped closer towards him, "I didn't like that you know? After all I did for you and your friends. You should have showed me a little more respect.", the older man paused again in his sentence staring into the younger mans eyes. The way Lou did it made Brian feel all uncomfortable. Why was he here? "And now I hear you are with Nick again, singing one of MY songs.", his former manager spoke on. The things he said made him angry and he interjected: "I wrote The One. I wrote it for Nick, it's my song no matter what any court says." His words made Lou laugh, which in turn only caused him to get more angry. He stared at him with piercing eyes as the large man closed the last gap between them. "It's so cute, you and Nick. It would be so bad if he had to suffer just because you are stubborn. NSync has been so good to him. Wouldn't it be bad if he had to leave?", those words cut Brians breath, where before he had tried to keep standing tall, now he gasped and looked shocked. It was a threat and it wasn't even hidden. As much as he hated Nick being with NSync, he didn't want to destroy it for him. "What do you want, Lou?" he repeated his earlier question now sounding a lot more wary than before.</p><p>"Well you know I just want to help you out. The way good old friends do.", the fake smile resting on Lous face as he spoke made Brian feel sick. If he had not felt so tense he would have gagged. "When Adam told me, that you were selling your body for drugs. Mhhh. It's sad, but I guess it's a job.", as he heard those words by the older man Brian widened his eyes. He knew Adam? It was a revelation that made him shudder. "What's up Brian? Surprised? You see I have my eyes and ears everywhere. When Adam met you he knew who you were and he was very delighted to share that information with me. It didn't matter though. I didn't care until you and Nick started to make music again." What was Lou trying to tell him? Brian still didn't know what he wanted. But he felt like the obese man was towering above him and with each word he spoke Brian felt as if he was getting smaller. "I don't mind you making music, but it reminded me of how tragic our parting was. I just can't let it be like that. You and me we should make some new happy memories, don't you think?", and then he was smiling again. It was such a disgusting and scary smile, that Brian made more steps backwards until his body collided with the wall. "Wh-what are you talking about?", Brian asked again becoming shockingly aware of the fact that he was stuttering. He was afraid. </p><p>"You know I got a little something for you!", Lou said and pulled something from his pocket. That was heroin and not a small amount. Brian gasped as he saw it. A whole bag, at least filled with 20 packages. Seeing it woke his desire to inject. If he could just take it he could forget about Lou being here. He wanted it, he needed it now. Out of instinct he reached out to grab it, but Lou pulled the hand back. "Naw, not like that. You have to work for it! Show me how good you are in your new profession!", Lou smirked finally revealing what it was about. He wanted Brians services. Disgust rose up inside of his stomach. There were so many things about it that made him feel sick. The problem wasn't that Lou wasn't attractive, he had done ugly clients before. The problem was, that he knew him, that they had history and that he hated him. Brian knew this wasn't about sexual pleasure for Lou. He knew he wanted to put him down, take revenge for the lawsuit. </p><p>As disgust mixed with anger, there was new fire in his eyes and Brian shouted: "Fuck off, Lou. Get out of here! Leave me alone!", he lifted one arm and pointed at the door.  Lou only smirked and responded very calmly "You sure? Think of Nick, don't be egoistic." Brian winced. He was blackmailing him. Lous desire for revenge was so strong, that he was willing to sink that low. Brian was shocked. He didn't want to do it, but with Nicks happiness being threatened like that he had no other choice. All tension fell off of his body, when he realized there was no way past this. Defeated he slumped down onto the ground. "Alright.", he said as tears found their way into his eyes causing him to sob, "What do you want?", this was the third time Brian asked the question, but all fire had gone from his voice. "Everything.", and Lous word told him, that this suffering wouldn't end quickly.</p><p>The things that happened next would forever be burned into his mind. His former manager didn't hold back. He knew he had Brian in his hand and he abused that control. Even though he saw the aversion and pain in Brians eyes, he didn't stop. Quite the opposite, the more Brian whimpered the further Lou went. First he only kissed him, then he touched him. The way he treated him, it was full of hate. And Brian could feel that in every motion. Lou took great care, that this felt as sickening as possible for him. He ripped off his clothes, he pushed him to the ground and then laid down on top of him. He was so heavy and Brian had a hard time breathing laying under him. As he started thrusting however Brian did not even know if he still wanted to breath. In the moment when Lou started to fuck him he wanted to pass out. He didn't want to feel this, it was so gross, so degrading. But no matter how much he wished for a calming blackness, it didn't come. It didn't come when Lou filled him up with his cum and it didn't come when he grabbed Brian by the hair and forced him to give him a blowjob. Things only got worse "Look into my eyes.", the older man demanded. When Brian complied he could see the pride and amusement laying in Lous eyes. He was winning again, he was putting him down. Perhaps he should have fought, but he was too tired. Brian had fought for years, now he was defeated and lost. After Lou had come a second time and forced Brian to suck it all down, he just let his body drop to the side. Those eyes that had been full of new hope in the morning were empty now that Lou was done with him.</p><p>Brian laid perfectly still as Lou slipped back into his clothes and he didn't even flinch when he threw the bag of H right up against his chest. "Nice to be friends again, Brian.", Lou said a few final words with a smirk, before he left his shack, putting the metal sheet back in front of it again. </p><p>When he was gone it felt as if the source of darkness had left the room and yet Brian didn't feel relieved. Pictures of what had just happened were haunting him. Why did all things always take such a dire turn? Things were going uphill and now Lou had destroyed everything. All he could do was sob as he realized that there was only one way to forget it quickly. He had to take his drug again. At least he now had enough of that.</p><p>-</p><p>
  <b>2 days later:</b>
</p><p>The tour had started great. Vegas was one of those cities Nick had always loved. To give a concert there was always exciting. Of course he had missed Brian, but he knew the day they would meet again wasn't far away. In fact he had decided to leave for the weekend, which was way earlier than he had planned. When the opportunity arose, he hadn't hesitated to take it. It gave him a chance to meet Brian before his therapy started and that meant, he could give him some more mental support.</p><p>Things got even better, when Nick reached his home and checked his mail. Sony had sent a contract, they wanted to sell the album he recorded with Brian. He couldn't wait to show it to his lover. His Frick would be so delighted and happy. Nick could already see him smiling that lovely smile of his. He couldn't wait to pick him up. So he wasted no time driving to Downtown to the place where Brian stayed.</p><p>Even before he reached the shack he called out for his name: "Brian!", he chuckled he was so happy. There was no response, but Nick wasn't too worried. Energetically he pushed that metal sheet away that separated him from the man he loved. Then he entered. When he saw Brian he became aware of the reason why he had not answered. His lover lay with the back to him. He was sleeping covered with his blanket.</p><p>Only...</p><p>As Nick stepped closer and nudged his Frick gently something was off. "Brian.", he spoke in a gentle voice trying to wake him. There was no movement. All of the sudden Nick felt pain in his heart. Something was not right. As he started to panic Nick reached out to pull Brian into a hug. "Wake up, Brian!", Nick said this time a bit louder. But as he pulled Brian up the blanket fell off of his body. Something was not right. There was a syringe still stuck in Brians arm. Heroin no doubt. Nick sighed. So he was still using. He would confront Brian about it when he woke up. And yet something wasn't right. When Nick pulled his Frick to his chest he noticed how stiff he was and so cold. </p><p>"No!", he shouted as he examined Brian and saw how his face had taken an unhealthy shade of blue. That's when he noticed he wasn't breathing. That chest wasn't moving, nothing was. Scared out of his mind Nick put his head to Brians chest, just where his scar was located. </p><p>No heartbeat.</p><p>"No!", he called again and tears were shooting into his eyes. He couldn't accept that. Brian couldn't be dead. They were supposed to make it big now. They were supposed to change Brians life and bring it back on the right path. He couldn't be dead. Perhaps he just needed a bit of warmth. Hastily Nick grabbed for the blanket and put it around the man that was still laying in his arms. "Shh Bri... this will warm you up.", he spoke as soothing as he could, but he couldn't hold back on the tears. He didn't want to accept it, but part of him knew Brian was dead. </p><p>"No!", as the part of his mind that saw things as they were took the upper hand Nick sobbed. Carefully but full of fear he let Brians body drop. What was he supposed to do now? As he looked at the motionless body of the man he loved, he felt how his heart shattered into a million pieces. He had fought so valiantly, but in the end he had lost the battle against the drugs. "I'm sorry...", Nick muttered and gently stroked through Brians curly hair as the tears he cried hit the ground. "I'm so sorry, I should have been with you.", he regretted ever leaving him alone. He should have insisted way stronger for him to come along. Now he was dead. Dead and Nick only was realizing slowly what that meant. No more smiles by him, no more words and no songs. That beautiful being, that once had been so full of life when they had first met, now he was gone. There were no words to describe what he felt. It was coldness, but it was hot pain, it was emptyness and yet he was filled with sadness. Nick didn't know how he could go on like this.</p><p>And what should he do now? What did you do when the person you loved died? Who did you call? By the state of Brians body Nick knew it was way too late to revive him and yet calling the hospital was the best idea he got. He was shivering as he dialed the number, moving as if he was in trance. This could only be a nightmare. And yet he was wide awake.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. 2002 - The Funeral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The way Brians death changed things was strange to see. All those people that had come to the funeral, they hadn't even cared for Brian. Some hadn't been there for him in years. It was sad to know, that those people who should have celebrated him when he was alive, hadn't done it. Now they were here to mourn his death.</p><p>Even Brians parents had come. That was strange, because his Frick had broken contact with them when he had started seeing Nick. They had never approved of their relationship, had kind of shunned Brian for who he loved. Now they were here. </p><p>His whole family had at one point disappointed Brian. His parents and also Kevin who had brought them along today. Kevin who had not spoken to Brian since 1998. The things he had said to his younger cousin then, they still were on Nicks mind. He was fuming when he replayed that day in his head. The panic attack Brian had after Kevin had wished him dead was burned into his memory for all eternity. It had been a shocking sight for Nick. And now it seemed as if Kevins wish of Brian dying had finally been granted. </p><p>At least he seemed properly devastated about it when he approached Nick to speak. He had cried the whole time since they had buried Brian. Too late. </p><p>"Nick... I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.", Kevin spoke with a deep and solemn voice. Those words made a shiver run along Nicks spine all throughout his body. </p><p>It made him huff to hear the older man speak that way. Nick didn't want to hear him apologize. It seemed so fake. And yet he stayed, eyeing the older man with cool eyes, lips pulled to a line.</p><p>He stayed silent and Kevin spoke on: "I know he was your life. I know you loved him so much. It's so sad...", he sighed and was about to speak on when Nick couldn't take it anymore an interrupted him, "How nice of you.", his words were as cold as they could be. "It is sad yes. Just as sad as you being here, after the last thing you told him was you wished he was dead." He stared into Kevins eyes, scrutinizing him and lifting his chin lightly when to his satisfaction he saw him turning away to avoid his look. </p><p>The silence that followed was so thick, that it felt as if he could touch it. Then there were tears again running along the older mans cheek.  </p><p>"I know...", Kevin sobbed and brought one hand up to rub across his eyes, "I know and I regret it. You can't believe how MUCH I regret it. I did for years.", he said with his voice getting smaller in the end. </p><p>"And yet you said what you did. And yet you never called him to apologize.", Nick responded telling him exactly what he thought about his late apology. </p><p>He hated Kevin for the things he had said and still seeing him as devastated like this didn't feel right either. </p><p>"I should have. I know. But I was so angry for so long and when the anger faded I didn't know what to say.", Kev kept crying as he spoke those words. </p><p>Tears were painting his face with sadness. It was such true emotion radiating from the older man, that it finally softened Nicks expression. He believed him. Kevin truly was sorry and the longer he thought about it, the more he realized, that Brian would have wanted him to forgive.</p><p>So Nick put a hand on Kevins shoulder: "What you said was wrong. It hurt your cousin, made him cry and panic. You should have seen him that day, Kev.", Nick spoke, then paused for a moment to sigh. When he spoke on he made sure to sound warmer, "But I forgive you. I know Brian would have as well." With those words spoken he pulled his hand back again. </p><p>It was what had needed to be said and yet Nick knew, that Kevin most of all needed to forgive himself. He couldn't help him with that, nor did he want to. Even though he was trying to forgive him, it felt too hard to see him now. So he walked away from him. Away from Kevin and away from all the other guests. All the way to his room.</p><p>He wanted to be alone, wanted to see nobody. None of them could understand what he was feeling, cause none of them was there. Brian could have needed them when he was still alive. It hurt so much to think about it. How lonely must he have been?</p><p>As he stepped through the door leading into his room, he finally allowed his tears to fall. It was so unfair. Why did it happen to Brian? He never had hurt anybody. His heart had been golden. Why?</p><p>Slowly Nick approached his bed and the nightstand. There was a framed picture on there. One Brian and him had taken a few years ago, when he was still healthy. With a shivering hand he reached for it, taking it up and pulling it closer to him.</p><p>It didn't feel real. How could Brian be dead, when it felt as if he could walk through the door any moment? Walk in, come close, hug him. Nick could just picture him, with the world brightest smile on his face. It had taken so long to get him there, enabling him to be happy again. They nearly had reached that goal. So why did he die now?</p><p>It made no sense either. He knew Brian had still been addicted to his drug, but he had tried his best to take less. It had been hard, but his therapy had been so close. How did he get so much heroin anyway?</p><p>In the end Brian had not owned a lot anymore: a few clothes, some things to eat, a book. Nick had gathered it all up, had taken it with him. The one thing he had not taken was a huge plastic bag of Brians favorite drug, that had been laying somewhat close to his body.</p><p>It had been shocking to see how much of that stuff his boyfriend had owned. He must have taken a large amount of it and still the bag was filled more than halfway. Something about it all seemed to be off. </p><p>Nick was just starting to think about it, when a sudden knock on the door caught his attention.</p><p>"Come In.", Nick spoke with a sigh and turned to face whoever decided to come and look for him.</p><p> As the door opened slowly Nick tilted his head to the side. Black hair, beard, sunglasses indoors. It only took a second for Nick to recognize his former band-mate. The man at the door was AJ. </p><p>"Nick. I have to speak to you.", Alex voice sounded devastated and meek, it was not the kind of tone he was known for. Something about the way he spoke, something about the way he was standing caught Nicks his attention. Nick didn't respond with words, but he nodded inviting the other to talk.</p><p>Before he did, AJ took a deep breath: "It's about Brian. I mean, about me and him."</p><p>Nick raised an eyebrow. Just like Kevin AJ had abandoned Brian, was he trying to get forgiveness out of him? What made those men think, that he was the one to give it?</p><p>He frowned lightly as he raised his voice to respond: "Aje... You, Kev, Howie. None of you were there for Brian. And now you come to me to ask for forgiveness? I can't give that to you. You...", he wanted to speak on but AJ shook his head and interrupted him, "Please Nick, let me talk. I have to talk about it. Did you know about Brian and me?", he paused before clarifying his statement, "About the time he and me were lovers?"</p><p>Lovers? Nick gasped. What was AJ talking about? Brian had told him he had spent time with Alex for a while, but lovers? Curious about what the older man had to say Nick walked a little closer to him.</p><p>"What do you mean Aje?", he couldn't help the sting of jealousy he felt in his heart and it showed as anger in his expression.</p><p>When AJ spoke on Nick took a deep breath to calm himself. "Well... I have to say he never really loved me. He just loved you.", speaking those word Alex looked at him as if he was trying to drive a point home. When Nick sighed in response he just continued: "But you see. I loved him. I loved him since way back when we released We've Got It Going On. I.. I still do.", AJs voice broke as he started to cry, but Nick looked mostly shocked at the revelation.</p><p>"Loved him?", his question was short, since he knew the story wasn't over.</p><p>"Yes, I loved him so much. He was the most beautiful and most kind person I knew. I loved him for all he was. And for a while I thought he might feel the same. He did not though. No, he did not.", he rubbed a few tears away from underneath his sunglasses, before he spoke on, "When I realized that he was just thinking of you whenever he touched or kissed me it broke my heart. That's... that's why I pulled away from him. That's why I didn't talk to him anymore. I had to, so I could protect myself."</p><p>Nick raised his head lightly looking at the man standing before him. He wasn't sure what to feel. On one hand he was jealous, hearing about the fact, that Brian had kissed and touched Alex. On the other hand he felt compassion for the other man. If what he said was true, then he could understand why he stayed away from Bri.</p><p>So his voice was soft as he answered: "Don't worry about it. I understand. I probably would have done the same. So sorry, that you had to go through that.", he slowly reached a hand out towards AJ, trying to touch him to give him some support, but AJ pulled away from him.</p><p>"That's not the problem! You don't know what I did!", he said with a voice filled with regrets and guilt.</p><p>Nick froze on the spot: "What did you do?", he asked somehow feeling tense all of a sudden. Whatever AJ had done, it seemed like it was nothing good.</p><p> "Oh Nick. I am at fault.", Alex stated looking into his eyes, "I was the one who gave him E. He didn't want to take it and I begged him. I begged until I was able to persuade him. And then he took it regularly and I didn't stop him. I encouraged it and took it myself. As we kept taking it I even introduced him to my dealer.", he paused for a moment then looked right into Nicks eyes, "I'm at fault for him taking drugs."</p><p>As the words hit Nick it felt as if the world around him stood still for a second. He did what?</p><p>Breathing in sharply he flared his nostrils. Nick had always wondered how it could have gotten that far and now AJ just revealed it. He was at fault, he was at fault that Brian had started to fall. If it had not been for him, then he would never have taken heroin. Then he might still be alive today.</p><p>With a sudden outburst of rage Nick closed the gap between him and AJ. Then he just jumped him. He wasted no time to throw him to the ground, raising his fist and slamming it down onto his face. </p><p>"You BASTARD!", he shouted as his fist connected with AJs cheek, causing him to moan up in pain.</p><p>How could he have done that? Persuading a friend to take drugs? It didn't make sense to Nick. You didn't do those things to people you loved.</p><p>As he felt like rage was consuming him he kept throwing his fists at the other mans face. Not even as blood started to run from his nose and lips did he stop. No, when he saw the red he shoved AJ onto the ground.</p><p>Alex didn't stop him. He didn't do anything. He just accepted the fact, that he was being beaten up right now. It was as if he had expected it. As if he had known it would come. Perhaps he even wanted it. Perhaps he felt he needed to be punished for what he had done to Brian. He wasn't defending.</p><p>As Alex collided with the ground, Nick noticed his passiveness. The blonde was breathing heavily, still burning with rage, but he was trying to hold back. If AJ wanted this, he wouldn't give him the pleasure. He couldn't be the one to take away his guilt by beating him up. </p><p>A snarl escaped his lips, when he stared the older man down: "Why did you do it Aje?", he asked his question, even though he didn't know if he wanted to know the answer. He just had to ask something to stop himself from beating the other up further.</p><p>When AJ responded he was crying badly: "I... I don't know. I just... I didn't think. I wanted to have fun, so I got me Ecstasy. And it felt so good Nick. It felt so fucking good.", he gasped and shook his head lightly before speaking on, "And Brian was so down at that time, it was after you and him had split up. I wanted to help him get happy again. I wanted to make him forget you. I shouldn't have done it."</p><p>The last sentence made Nick huff. Could have, should have, would have. He heard entirely too much of that today. </p><p>With another angry snort he turned around and walked away from AJ towards the window. As he reached it he locked his eyes on the pond outside, before he spoke: "You shouldn't have. But you did Aje, you pushed him into the abyss. You!", he fell silent for a moment as he noticed, that his tears started to fall again. Gently he wiped them away. Then he continued: "If you want my forgiveness. I can't give it to you. Not for that. And I can't help you forgive yourself either.", he shook his head, but kept staring at the pond. "He's dead, AJ. Dead. The only person I... ever.. lov..", he couldn't speak on as the tears took him over. </p><p>Nick fell into uncontrollable sobbing and he reached out for the curtain to have something to hold onto. That pain it was unbearable. He had lost him, his other piece. Without him he wasn't complete anymore. Nobody could ever replace Brian. Nobody. His heart would forever stay broken. All that lay in his future was loneliness. And there was nothing he could do.</p><p>As he gave himself to tears and sadness like that he didn't notice that AJ stepped up behind him. Not until the smaller man put his arms around his waist to pull him into a hug. He was trying to comfort him and as much as Nick was angry with him, he really did need that.</p><p>"I'm so sorry Nick. I'm so sorry.", AJ blubbered out. He was still crying as well and his sobs joined the melody Nicks sadness created. </p><p>The blonde couldn't hear that anymore so he turned around to hug AJ back. The bearded man was still bleeding from his nose and his lips. The wounds weren't terribly bad, but Nick noticed them anyway. He couldn't forgive AJ, but he didn't want to hate him either. Nick knew how much the older man regretted what he had done and how much he blamed himself for Brians death. It wasn't his fault. Of course he had been the one to introduce him to substances, but he had not been the one that put the needle into Brians vein.</p><p>Gently Nick patted AJs back: "It doesn't make sense Aje. I left for the tour. I should have taken him along, but he didn't want to come. And you know how stubborn he could be.", Nick sighed as he spoke, "But I wrote him every day. He responded, too. Only in short sentences, but he did. I was trying to keep him going, cause his therapy was only a week away.", he explained just needing to tell the story to someone. AJ listened when Nick spoke on, "I should have known something was off when he stopped responding and I DID feel kind of strange about it. But I tried to ignore it, since I was planning to get back home on the weekend. Only when I did it was too late. He was already dead.", another sob escaped Nicks throat, before he finished the story, "But something is not right Aje. Brian didn't have any money. But I found a huge bag of heroin with him. I... wonder if he sold his body again. But he had promised me not to."</p><p>Nick could see AJ widening his eyes as he realized what his words had meant. Nobody of his band-mates had known that Brian had worked as a prostitute. Of course it was a shock. But it didn't matter now and as AJ became aware of that, he squeezed Nick tighter in his hug, before gently pulling away.</p><p>"What else did you find at the scene?", Alex finally asked trying to help Nick to come up with an explanation.</p><p>The younger man sighed again and walked towards his bed onto which he had put Brians stuff. He had unpacked the backpack. There was a heap of unused syringes, still in their package, a heap of clothing and a small book. </p><p>Nick gestured at Brians stuff and AJ looked it over, wincing as he saw the needles. Then the older man took the book in his hand. </p><p>"Did you look at it?", Alex asked as he opened the first page. </p><p>Nick shook his head: "I didn't know if I should. I mean it could be his diary and... it just didn't feel right.", he sighed but looked at AJ curiously, especially when he widened his eyes.</p><p>"Na Nick, that's no diary. It's a business book. He wrote down his clients.", the older man spoke and moved closer to Nick again handing him the book.</p><p>It was true as Nick looked across the lines he frowned. There were names, descriptions, prizes. He gasped when he noticed how many men there were. Some of them had names, like Adam. Others were just described. It was shocking to read it all. And yet he couldn't help a sad chuckled. It was so typical for Brian to do bookkeeping like that. He had been such a left-brainer. </p><p>Quickly Nick scanned the lines for anything odd, flipping the pages slowly. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until he reached the final page. As he did sickness immediately took a hold of him making his stomach turn. There was one name on that page, written in thick and clear letters. Brians last customer. Lou Pearlman.</p><p>All colour faded from Nicks face as he shoved the book back to AJ: "Look at it! AJ!", he nearly screamed then shook his head. He couldn't believe it. "Brians last customer. It was LOU!" </p><p>As rage took a hold of him he started pacing through the room. What did that mean? Brian had hated Lou, he would have never done anything with him. Not as long as he had his free will. Nick knew that. Lou must have done something to make him comply. Nick had not liked his manager for such a long time, but now he hated him. </p><p>"Nick it says he paid him with a huge bag of heroin. Brian writes 'at least 20 doses'.", Alex told him as he looked at that page. When he snarled Nick noticed his friend was angry as well.</p><p>"That's probably the bag I found. And the date... it was two days before I found him.", Nick added as the puzzle finally showed a picture.</p><p>"AJ! Lou must have forced him to do that. Brian hated him. He would have NEVER done that, if he had not been forced. And then... Lou paid him with the drugs that killed him.", and he fell silent for a moment as he realized something else, "Bri wanted to forget. He tried to forget and he gave himself to heroin for that. He took so much, cause he was desperate to wipe the pictures from his mind. Oh... Bri.", Nick let himself drop to the bed as he started sobbing again, putting his hands in front of his eyes.</p><p>AJ was still shocked, but he kept staring at the book as if looking at it would change anything. "Nick, you know we have evidence here. Evidence that could bring Lou to jail.", he tried to cheer Nick up, but it didn't help much.</p><p>"No... that's no option. That slimy bastard will just get away again. Just like he did when Brian sued him.", it sounded like he was giving up, but what he didn't tell AJ was the plan that was shaping up in his mind. He couldn't tell him. What he planned to do, he needed to do alone.</p><p>Alone. That was what he needed to be. AJ was at a loss of words anyhow. </p><p>So with a sigh Nick pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked at the older man instead: "AJ, I need to think. Please leave me alone.", he gestured at the door as he spoke.</p><p>For a moment AJ hesitated, but then he nodded. After putting the book down onto the bed again, he started to leave.</p><p>"Oh and Aje!", Nick called after him, "Don't tell anybody about this!", he demanded.</p><p>For a while the smaller man looked at him silently. He was seemingly thinking and it took some time. Finally he seemed to come to the conclusion that the request was fair and nodded. A second later he had left the room.</p><p>With his friend gone Nick could be alone with his thoughts again. Thinking about what happened to Brian made disgust rise up in his stomach. Lou had done this. He was at fault for Brians death. Lou who had been his manager for so many years now. Nick felt his whole body shudder, when he thought about the things that man had done to Brian. His Frick had listed all of it in his little book. Kissing, Touching, Blowjob, Anal Sex. The language was much too formal to describe it. It wasn't true either, what Lou had done was nothing of that. What Lou had done was abuse. Nick was certain of that. </p><p>Thoughtfully Nick rose from the bed. He knew what he had to do. Slowly he walked over to his wardrobe, which contained his safe. Quickly he put the numbers into the keypad. There was no other way. And as the door swung open Nick reached for his gun. Taking it out and pulling it to his chest. </p><p>Lou had to pay. And Nick knew justice wouldn't come to him, if he didn't make it himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. 2002 - Lou II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Nick had left he had taken the back door. He couldn't have anybody noticing him. Nobody could stop him. He was on a mission. He had to get revenge. If he didn't end it, that bastard would continue on living. Nick couldn't allow that not after what he had done to Brian. </p><p>The weapon lay cold in his right hand inside the pocket of the long black coat he had decided to wear. It was good that it was winter, else it might have seemed strange to wear it. Of course it wasn't that cold, but still it was enough to give an excuse to wear warm clothes. </p><p>Gently Nick trailed his fingers along the cold metal. It had something strangely soothing about it. </p><p>Odd. </p><p>Never before had it felt so right to hold it. Nick had always felt weird handling a gun. The idea of hurting someone with it was nothing he enjoyed. That was before he found out about Lou abusing Brian. Now everything had changed. He didn't mind hurting that man. In fact that was exactly what he wanted to do. And yet it felt as if just shooting Lou wasn't enough.</p><p>When Nick entered his car he wondered about it. What did Lou truly deserve? Not a quick death, that was for sure. That was too gentle of a punishment. What Lou deserved was pain, suffering, everything cruel Nick could image. He was supposed to feel what he did to Brian. </p><p>And yet Nicks plan didn't involve torture. While he could have done that, taking along a knife and other tools, it didn't feel right. If he would have stooped so low, he would be no better than that fat bastard. Nick couldn't be that way.</p><p>Still he planned to kill Pearlman. He could already see the pictures playing in his head. He was aware that it was creepy, but it made him smile. The idea of sweet revenge was filling him up. It was still on his mind, when he opened his cellphone to make a call.</p><p>*Beep, Beep*</p><p>That was the sound of his anticipation, while he was waiting for Lou to respond. Nick took a deep breath. He would speak any second now.</p><p>"Hello Nick! What gives me the honor?", and there is was that voice. Lou had obviously seen who was calling. He sounded much too jolly for a day like this. It made Nick sick to hear him. </p><p>"Hey... can we meet? I need to talk with you about touring.", it took all of Nicks self-control to sound friendly, but in the end he managed.</p><p>Lou was silent for a moment, but Nick could hear him flipping through the pages of some book. "Yes, you can. I have time in half an hour. Can you be in my office then?"</p><p>The words made the blonde look at his watch. "Yeah, I'll be there. See you then.", Nick finally spoke and ended the call. He didn't want to exchange any more words than necessary with that monster. </p><p>Half an hour was something he could do. Lous office was located Downtown LA, not far from the place where Brian had stayed. Nick had been there before. He never had liked the place though it was much too pompous for his taste. It fit Lou though just as if it had been made for him.</p><p>The journey to Lous place seemed much longer, than he remembered it. What was not more than a twenty minute drive felt like an eternity. Images of what Brian must have been through were haunting him. It was there playing like a movie inside of his mind. Every touch, every kiss and all the sexual acts Lou had done to his Frick. It were terrible pictures and Nick could feel how tendrils made out of darkness were entangling his heart. What happened must have been painful for Brian in several ways. Physically, because he was certain Lou wasn't careful. His manager probably had enjoyed to make the smaller man suffer. But also Mentally, cause Brian hated Lou so much. </p><p>As he thought about it Nick realized, that suffering had probably been Lous goal. He had wanted to hurt Brian, perhaps even break him. It had been his way of taking revenge for a lawsuit long gone by. It had been so cruel of him. How could anybody be that evil?</p><p>And Lou was good at hiding it to. If you met him, you would never guess it. He always was so nice and happy, like a huge and friendly teddy-bear. But Nick had known for a long time, that this was only his act. He had to give it to him though, he was good at it. </p><p>Lous big smile came up in his mind. When Nick entered the underground-garage of the huge office building. He thought about wiping it away from his face. Slowly Nick stopped his car, petting the gun in his pocket before he opened the door. </p><p>He hoped this would go well. Of course Lou and this place had security to take care of it, but Nick hoped, they would just let him through. They knew him and they knew he worked with Lou. He had been checked here before, but there had been just as many times that they had not done it. When he made his way up the stairs to the second floor, he took a deep breath. He hoped Fortuna would be with him today.</p><p>She was.</p><p> When he entered the floor on which Lous office was located he quickly became aware of that. Security was standing close by at a desk, but Lou was expecting him. The large man waved towards Nick as he saw him coming from the stairwell.</p><p>"Nick, there you are. Come with me I don't have much time.", he said then ushered him along to the nearby office. If only he knew.</p><p>When they entered Nick froze. Lous stereo was playing music, but not just any music.</p><p>
  <i>"I'd heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord."</i>
</p><p>It was Brians voice and Nick could feel his throat tightening. His beautiful angel singing that wonderful song. It was mesmerizing and it made him so sad, because it reminded him, that he would never hear Bri sing it live again. He couldn't cry though, he had to be strong now. So he just frowned and closed his eyes for a second as Lou made his way past him towards the desk.</p><p>"I love the songs you and Brian recorded Nick. Was so happy to acquire a sample CD. You should have sent me one. How is Brian anyway?", he asked in a jovial voice causing Nick to quickly open his eyes again.</p><p>Flames were burning in them when he stared Lou down. How could he mention Brian like that? Speaking about him as if nothing happened? He shouldn't have done that. Nick didn't want him to say Fricks name ever again. </p><p>"Brian is dead.", Nick said bitterly not pulling his eyes away from Lou. He wanted to see his reaction.</p><p>"Oh no. Really? I'm sorry to hear that Nick you must be devastated. He didn't deserve that.", as expected Lou was playing his act. That response seemed genuinely caring, but Nick knew that he was faking it. </p><p>"Stop it Lou! I know what you did.", Nick responded sharply and scowled as Lous expression changed to a frown. He knew what he meant, that much was obvious. "Brian wrote it down. He wrote down that he...", the words were stuck in his throat, he didn't want to speak them, so he skipped the part, "You bastard! You abused him!", he shouted and stepped closer up to the desk.</p><p>With a swift motion he pulled the gun from his pocket, immediately pointing it at Lous head. Nick didn't feel like talking anymore. He wanted his revenge.</p><p>Lou however laughed, unexpectedly so: "Nick, think about what you do. You shoot me, you will be captured by security and the rest of your life will become hell.", he said shaking his head, "Can't say I'm surprised though. You are as dumb as your boyfriend was. Yes, you truly fitted each other. "</p><p>As Lou stood up from where he was sitting Nick kept aiming at him. Even as he slowly stepped towards the stereo, turning up the volume lightly.</p><p>
  <i>"There's a blaze of light in every word It doesn't matter which you heard The holy or the broken Hallelujah."</i>
</p><p>Brians voice was running through Nicks body and made him shiver.</p><p>"He had a beautiful voice your Brian. Too bad he won't be able to sing anymore.", Lou spoke and turned to face Nick again with a grin playing on his lips, "C'mon put down that weapon Nick. I know you won't shoot me. You're a coward. Don't be silly.", he chuckled, "Let us be friends again."</p><p>Nick was silent he hesitated. Could he really shoot somebody? Wasn't that wrong? Slowly he dropped the hand holding the gun.</p><p>Lou smiled as he spoke on: "See... you're just like your coward boyfriend.", with a quick motion that Nick had not expected from somebody of Lous size his manager closed the gap between them and grabbed his upper arm. </p><p>"You know Brians voice was always more beautiful than yours. But I didn't know just exactly how beautiful it was until he moaned for me.", Lou spit those words at him, half whispered with a wide smirk on his face. "Will you moan for me too Nick?"</p><p>Nick gasped, he would have loved to raise his hand now to shoot, but Lou had a firm grip on him. </p><p>Those words made him feel so sick. He thought about what had happened to Brian. In the end he had been so thin and weak that he had not been able to defend himself against Lou anymore. He was easy game for that bastard.</p><p>And now he wanted to do the same to Nick? Lou was underestimating him and that was a mistake. Nick was not the 13 year old kid anymore, that had joined Backstreet Boys in 1993. He was 22 now and he was athletic and strong.</p><p>Nick was stronger than Brian had been in the end and that was something that Lou did not think about. With a growl he pulled his leg up ramming it into Lous privates. </p><p>
  <i>"And even though it all went wrong I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah."</i>
</p><p>And as Brian sang the last verse of the song Nick watched Lou bend over after his kick hit the mark. In the same motion he released the grip on his upper arm. That was that bastards second mistake.</p><p>Quickly Nick raised the gun again. Lou was wrong, he was no coward.</p><p><i>"Hallelujah."</i> </p><p>PENG! The first shot hit Lou in the head in rhythm with Brians voice exclaiming.</p><p>
  <i>"Hallelujah."</i>
</p><p>PENG! And with every Hallelujah that followed Nick released another shot.<br/>
PENG!<br/>
PENG!<br/>
PENG!<br/>
PENG!<br/>
PENG!</p><p>And as Nick knew there was only one bullet left in the gun he stared at the bloody mess, that once had been his bastard of a manager. He was dead.</p><p>Tears were falling from the blondes eyes, but they weren't for Lou. Now that he was dead all he could think about was Brian. He had been his one and everything. Without him there was nothing left to live for.</p><p>And as that beautiful voice sang the last <i>"Hallelujah"</i> Nick brought the gun up to his temple and pulled the trigger. He couldn't go on without Brian. He wanted to see him in heaven.</p><p>As the bullet shot through his skull into his brain it didn't take long for everything to grow dark. Soon Frack would be with his Frick again.</p><p>What followed was silence. Long eternal silence. It lay upon him like a heavy coat. But as he entered the nothingness there was something in the distance. It was echoing, calling for him. First it was quiet, but every second that passed it got louder and louder. When he could finally make out the words, they were echoing in his head.</p><p>"Wake up Nick!", that voice, he knew that voice. Oh, that beautiful voice.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Epilogue: 1998? - Heaven?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Wake Up Nick!", the voice echoed in his head and when it got so loud that it felt as if his ears were ringing Nick opened his eyes.</p><p>Where was he?</p><p>His eyes traveled through the room. It felt strange and yet so familiar. He had been here before. It was a hotel room. The structure of the room was an evident sign of that.</p><p>As he kept his eyes darting around he noticed he wasn't alone. Next to him below the blanket there was another person. Curly hair, blue eyes, a warm smile. It was Brian. His Brian and he was alive looking down at him with a smirk.</p><p>"Yo sleepyhead, get up we have to be ready for the show in half an hour.", Brian spoke with the most gentle of voices, leaving Nick confused.</p><p>What show? They hadn't done a show together in forever. And wasn't Brian supposed to be dead? And why did he look so young? </p><p>"Is this heaven?", Nick spoke confused and tried to look into Brians eyes.</p><p>When he met the smaller mans gaze he was even more confused. He had hoped to find answers there, but all he could see was love, care and amusement. </p><p>"Wow, thank you Nick. Didn't know I was such a good lover, that you consider this to be Paradise!", Brian chuckled and pulled him tightly into a hug, "You're cute you know?", he whispered into his ear before placing one single kiss on the corner of his lips.</p><p>Nick felt a warmth rush through his body, but he still didn't feel comfortable. </p><p>Had he not just shot himself? Had he not just shot Lou? Had it all been a dream? Everything? Backstreet Boys disbanding: a dream? Brian falling to drugs: a dream? Them dying: a dream? Looking at Brian Nick noticed, that he surely did look a lot younger now, than as he last remembered him. </p><p>It was confusing to see him that healthy and young. Nick watched as Brian slowly left the bed to put on some clothes. Then the younger man sat up pulling his legs up to his chest. Perhaps it really had been a nightmare.</p><p>As he thought about it memories came back to his mind. They were on tour in Europe, to play the songs of their "Backstreet's Back" album. They had just played a great show in Hamburg. The evening that followed with Brian had been even more amazing.</p><p>Ever since they had settled things with Lou outside of court Brian was playing with a whole new energy. Finally they could decide things on their own. Finally they could play music for themselves. It made his lover happy. And when Brian was happy, that meant lots of joy and pleasure for Nick. </p><p>He smiled as he remembered their last night, but sighed as he remembered the dream: "Bri... I had a terrible nightmare.", he said whining a bit then standing up from the bed still stark naked. </p><p>He needed his Frick now. So he quickly moved over to him tugging on his shirt. "Please hold me!"</p><p>Brian looked him over with a lustful sparkle in his eyes, obviously enjoying his nakedness. But when he noticed Nicks sadness, the expression changed into a caring one. Gently he put the arms around him and pulled him close.</p><p>"Tell me about it.", the smaller man asked in a soft voice. Gently he buried his right hand in Nicks hair pulling his head down so he could nuzzle it against his neck.</p><p>"You were dead Brian. You... it was terrible.", he sobbed as he buried his face against Brians neck.</p><p>"Aw... but I'm alive Frack. It was just a dream.", the smaller man responded and started to trail his left index-finger along Nicks cheek. </p><p>"But it was so bad. You... I mean we lost the lawsuit... and then we split up and you were lovers with AJ.", the younger man started to talk like a waterfall. But Brian was quick enough the interrupt him. </p><p>"AJ? Really? C'mon Nick, he's not even my type. And you know he's into girls.", Brian reassured him and wiped some tears away, shaking his head lightly. But Nick wasn't done speaking.</p><p>"But you were with him and then you guys did drugs. You did. You became a heroin junkie and sold your body. And then Lou came and... you died.", he got faster the more he spoke. Stumbling over his words in the end. </p><p>When he was finished talking Nick took an even stronger hold of Brians shirt. He was crying badly and only as Brian caressed his head gently was he able to calm down a little. That dream had been so bad, that it left him shaking.</p><p>"Don't be sad Nicky. It was only a dream.", his Frick said and pulled back a little so he could place another kiss against Nicks temple. "I'm alive. Nobody is taking drugs. Babe, everything is fine.", he tried to calm him down. "See, this is reality!",  Brian finally said with a slight smirk as he pinched Nicks side. </p><p>Nick gasped when he felt the soft pain. What Bri said was true. This was no dream, he had felt the pain so clearly and he could remember the days before too. With a soft and coy smile he looked up to the love of his life.</p><p>As their eyes met, Brian grinned. "And right now you are all naked and in my arms. You better get dressed or I can't guarantee you that we make it in time for the show.", the older man winked. He was obviously thinking naughty thoughts again Nick could see that in his face. If only they had the time to stay a little longer, but Brian was right they had to get to the show.</p><p>So with a sigh he parted from his Frick, looking around to find his clothes. And as he gathered them up and looked back at Brian he blinked lightly. Did he always have this shine around him?</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>